Votre Verite
by Prodigy-Angel
Summary: Sequel to Je le Crois. Please read that one first. After Envy’s charade Edward becomes confused and distant. Can Roy rebuild the teen’s shattered trust even though Edward refuses to tell him what’s wrong? RoyxEd mention of past EnvyxEd
1. Prologue:Haze

**Prologue: Haze**

**Author's note: **_**Hey there, since so many asked, here's the sequel to Je le Crois. Truthfully, I have no clue how long this will take me to write. Even in my notes it's at least twice as long as the other. Also for the prologue I am switching to first person. By the first chapter we will be back to normal…It is way too exhausting to try not to use I and me too often n.n; not to mention Ed's thoughts are not really flowers and kittens (snickers...That's Al.) Anyways, I hope you all enjoy the sequel...I will try and make it happier.**_

I feel my brother's cool hand around my wrist and hear the gravel snapping beneath my feet, but truthfully my mind is miles away. I don't want to follow him….I don't want to be dragged off to face my fears, since I know exactly where Al is taking me. To him….To the real him. I feel so empty, the shock has all but drained me of my usual boisterousness, my confidence is nothing but a shadow that forlornly follows me. I don't want to see him…I can't imagine facing him. I won't be able to look him in the eyes, not after all I've done, and felt and seen. Now that I've opened up my heart and divulged its darkest secret, how can I stuff it back into oblivion and pretend that I'm fine? Now that I know how good it could be…How can I keep my feelings from overflowing? How can I face someone who will be oblivious to my true feelings when my heart is still laying in a million shattered pieces on the ground?....I wish I had been given at least a few hours to pull myself together.

While trying to figure out a way to postpone the inevitable meeting I begin to worry my lower lip, a bad habit I have picked up that immediately gives away the fact that I am upset. I glance over….Damnit, I know Al saw...He catches my eye and gives me a look that I have always interpreted as him trying to guilt me into telling him what's wrong. Maybe he's worried that I won't be able to take the sight waiting in that hell of anti-septics, white walls and tastelessly decorated rooms. I'm betting he hasn't guessed the truth of what happened…Beyond the fact that I was attacked by that bastard Envy. Though I know he's worried…This time….I can't tell him.

Before we'd left I'd caught a quick glimpse of myself in the full length mirror in Mustang's room. I had noticed the almost black bruises along my neck in the shape of his hands, the pallor of my skin and my eyes…So dead looking…Probably the reason when my brother had found me he'd gasped in shock. At that moment I had wondered: Why am I alive? Not only could the Homunculus have crushed the life out of me with insane simplicity…But why the pain, so red-hot and all-encompassing…Why hadn't that killed me? I almost wanted to be dead. I was so stupid! Only someone like me, someone who's selfish and naïve could think that after all they had done that they still deserved to fall happily in love. That someone with as many sins as I have on my shoulders has any claim on being happy…I guess this was justice. It hurt…But it was fair. Just another wounding example of my foolishness…of my inexperience and egotistical desires. Had I been more careful with my yearnings, perhaps none of this would have happened. My breathing hitches as another wave of self-loathing hits me with crippling force…I had been the cause of Mustang's pain as well. I was pathetic and weak and disgusting and someone else got dragged down with me because of it…Again…..Maybe he already knows. I'll just have to apologize over and over again, suck up all this pain and discard it...Taking the consequences for my actions, end of story!

As if it is that easy….I'm only human. I know that when I see him my breathing will catch in my throat, my heart will race hard and fast and it'll take every ounce of self-control I possess not to want to throw myself into the safety of his arms. No matter what, these dark desires have been unleashed in me and though it was a self-indulgent wish, one steeped in sin and stupidity and was obviously unrequited…I couldn't help myself. Even so...I can't act on it; I won't drag him down any more than I already have. I can't clue him into my selfish needs because that would be the ultimate transgression and after all I put Roy--no, Mustang…through, making him outright tell me I was delusional was unfair to him…And would destroy me. In any case, Envy was probably right…I'd never seen anything in Mustang to suggest he'd ever cared more for me than he would a younger sibling or his own child. As hard as it was to accept…I'd never be his lover. I'd never be anything more than Fullmetal, the child he'd recruited and now had to watch over.

I stall in front of the hospital, staring up at the gate separating it from the world outside. My world…My solution to the problem I am facing is to stall childishly refusing to budge an inch. I hoped if I behaved as such that Al would sick of dealing with me and my stubbornness and go on alone. It's never worked in the past, but who knows right? I always wait for the day where he finally snaps and gets angry for everything that's happened, and get mad at me like I deserve. Maybe then he'll abandon me, and I could never stop it, because if he really wanted to… I would never begrudge his choice. It's not that I'm not thankful my brothers around and that he's kind and forgiving… It's just that I don't deserve it, and truthfully he probably lets me get away with far too much.

When he finally pushes me towards the doors I know the battle is lost. My stubbornness never gets me anywhere with Al, because he's just as stubborn, even more so when he firmly believes he's helping. Numbly I make my way past the threshold, anxieties knowing at my stomach until I am surprised there's anything left. I feel like a condemned criminal on death row, slowly shuffling my feet towards their ultimate doom, with no escape or way to retreat. My feet are dragging too, but Al behind me blocks any escape I could have, and while there's a large part of me that does want to run away and never look back, there is that small hidden part that says I want to see him badly. Half way down the hall, one that seems to go on forever, I freeze for real my legs locking in fear. My anxieties become unbearable and I feel something uncommon, the beginnings of a panic attack. Breathing hard I clutch unconsciously at my shirt, trying to ground myself. I want to cry, but there's no way I'd sink so low. I keep telling myself I'm stronger than that, and I can't worry Al any more than he is. I feel with absolute certainty that if I face Mustang, I will break down completely, or my heart will beat so hard and burst…Something will happen anyways. What if that green-haired bastard had told him how I actually felt about him…What if he's sickened by me and wants me to disappear? The thought freezes my insides, filling me with an emotion I can only label as despair. My hands start shaking...And I hope it's not visable to anyone but myself. Carefully reigning in my doubts I turn to Al, addressing him in what I hope is an unconcerned voice.

"You first..." I ask him, trying to make it sound like a perfectly normal request. Of course Al is still surprised. I'm usually the one who rushes into things bravely, to have me hang back is very uncommon. I know I would be worried if someone I knew suddenly pulled a one eighty, and became shy and distant when they were usually anything but. I gesture meaningfully and with a shrug Al accepts, glancing over his shoulder at me. We continue on again with me just behind him praying that if I stand behind him just right I'll disappear and not have to deal with any of this shit.

I ruin it of course, by peeking out past Al once we're ushered into the room. Just as I feared my errant heart betrays me and begins to beat so loud I am sure people down the street can hear it, let alone the man in the bed at the other end of the room. Even worse, I feel my cheeks grow warm as I catch sight of him in the bed….even more perfect than I remember despite the bruises and pallor. Quickly, I duck behind Al again just as those other's sparkling eyes registered just who they were seeing. I tried valiantly to push my condemning emotions back into place in the darkest recesses of my mind and bring my reactions back under control. Unfortunately, at that very moment Colonel Mustang decided to call me by name, not Fullmetal as he usually did. The room practically twirled around me as those words pushed me over the edge, into an inescapable vortex of memories, all but one false…But all longed for with such an intensity it almost ripped me in two.

With much difficulty I succeed in pushing even these behind that wall of impassiveness. The same trick I have mastered after years of searching for the Philosopher's Stone and always coming up empty handed. The ritual is different yet the emotions are the same…Desperation, hopelessness…Duty and longing all battle hand in hand in me on an almost constant basis as it is. I plaster my usual brash smile on my face, but I don't saunter up to the bed with my usual arsenal of insults. Instead I hang back and just try bravely to keep it together, fearing what could go wrong if I let go of the restraints I have placed on myself even a bit…If I were to look too closely, or think too much this whole charade might come crashing down all around me, exposing me for who I really am. It's risk I dare not take, and my hand unconsciously snakes across my body, crossing across my torso as though I needed some sort of reminder on how much I was hurting. The smile so carefully constructed melts off as though it were never there. I want to be anywhere else right now…And it shows.

I manage to respond, greeting the man in the bed. Carefully he looks me over then gasps in surprise and with some difficulty hoists himself from the bed. He reaches out to me, his eyes focused at the marks around my neck and suddenly I understand…But also know I don't want him coming any closer to me. My instincts kick in before my mind processes it and I thrust my arms out in front of me. I feel something hard, in this case Mustang, connect with my arms and then unexpectedly there's nothing. I watch as the man stumbles backwards, caught off guard by the force of my assault…and suddenly I feel horrible. Ashamed that I would attack someone for no good reason like that I turn and walk from the room, leaving Al to explain. Right now…I need sleep. I want to forget and stomp out that little annoying voice in the back of my mind that keeps whispering to me about my sins and shortcomings and that is making me feel sick to my stomach. I don't feel I deserve to be near anyone at the moment…And I don't want anyone to witness my disgrace. This is something I must do alone. I break into a run the moment I am out the door and don't stop until I am safely in my own room, the door locked behind me. Flinging myself into my own bed for the first time since this whole ordeal I press the pillow to my face, muffling the scream that ripped itself from my throat and then for the second time that day, wept from the shame of all I had done.


	2. Chapter One: Confusion

Author's Note: _I know…It's a couple hours late..But better later than never. This chapter was actually harder to write than I'd ever woulda thought…I will chalk it up to boredom lol. Anyways this chapter is dedicated to Leigha, it was her birthday on Monday. Happy Birthday Leigha (though by this point it's Tuesday) Happy eighteenth I think (please correct me if I am wrong) Anywho, please enjoy the chapter. _

–_bows-_

**Chapter 1: Confusion**

Eyes the hue of obsidian watched as Ed left the room, but the Colonel made no move to stop him. Though he was confused, and very surprised, at the teen's aloofness and lack of composure he also felt that if he were to push it with Edward at that moment, he might risk pushing him away forever. Instead he turned his attention to his other visitor. He looked over at Alphonse, who looked torn between running after his beloved older brother and staying. Anyone else might wonder why someone would wear a hulking, awkward, and bulky suit of armour even in a hospital, but Roy Mustang accepted Al for who he was, even though at that moment there was nothing inside that iron suit but a seal sketched in blood. If this wasn't fascinating enough, there was the fact that if you looked past the intimidating exterior, Roy had never met a kinder, gentler soul. He put a hand on Al's shoulder to keep him from taking off after his brother, drawing him back into the hospital room with him and shutting the door. He nodded once to Al, who sat gracelessly in a chair that looked far too small for his size.

"So Alphonse, how have things been in my absence?" He asked carefully. Though Alphonse often seemed more mature and level-headed than his older brother and was generally the grounding force behind the pair, Mustang really was uncertain what had befallen the brother's while he hadn't been there to watch over them. He felt helpless in the face of Fullmetal's anguish and wanted to know the whole picture in order to better guide the youth through what appeared to be a tough time. It was frustrating to be left in the dark when something really bad happened, especially feeling as though he were responsible for him.

"I'm---not sure, sorry." Al began thoughtfully, shrugging. "All I know is it had a lot to do with that shape-shifting Homunculus. My brother went to look for you as soon as he heard what happened…And he was gone awhile. When he came back you were with him, but of course it wasn't really you and he--"

Roy cut him off with a wave of his hand, trying to digest what he had just been told. His mind worked through the facts he'd been given with all the impassivity of a detective working through a murder case. Knowing that Envy had been with Ed, it suddenly made sense why the teen had bruises and cuts on him. _'Envy obviously attacked him…' _He sat down on the bed, massaging his temples as he felt a migraine coming on. _'If he'd been attacked and it was bad enough that…Well maybe he was lucky to be alive…It's no wonder he's jumpy...Who's to say this isn't another trick in his mind.'_ He thought bleakly.

"Can you let Ed know I'm very sorry for the hardships he's endured and that I'll see him Monday for a debriefing?" he said in a tone more weary than he actually felt. He hoped the younger Elric would take that as a sign to leave. Obediently Alphonse nodded and made his way as quietly as he could from the hospital room. As soon as Mustang was left alone he ignored the bed and sat down instead at the small table in the corner, making notes on the situation at hand and how it could be avoided. It wasn't much, but he hoped it would calm the animosity he'd seen in Edward.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alphonse walked into the still apartment. At first he thought he may have beaten his brother home. However after gazing around the dark room he noticed Ed's boots kicked into the corner and his blood-red jacket hastily draped over the couch. Quietly he closed the heavy door to the apartment and reaching over flicked a switch, filling the room with light. It was then that he noticed his brother's door was closed, answering the question of Edward's whereabouts. Figuring he'd check and make sure his brother was okay he walked over and turned the knob and was surprised to find it locked. The discovery sent a small jolt of pain through him, Ed _always _left his door unlocked…Just in case Al got lonely in the night, since he couldn't sleep. Al usually checked on his brother at least once in the night, more to reassure himself that he was still there than to talk. He was so used to his brother's empathy that finding this small cold place within the other surprisingly felt unbearable. He rapped his knuckles gently against the wood as he tried to alert his older brother that he was no longer alone in their home.

"Niisan…Are you awake?" he called gently straining afterwards to hear his response. For a moment he thought his brother really was asleep, but then he heard a sound that made his eyes widen to white at the discovery. His brother…The one who hadn't shed a tear throughout the whole of his automail surgery and the long recovery process, the one who always preached about looking forward and never feeling sorry for yourself….Was quietly sobbing all alone in his room. His older brother rarely cried, Al could actually count on one hand the times he'd done so the whole time they'd been on their journey….Something must be very, very wrong. Al was reminded of Nina, and Hughes death and felt cold thinking what could be the matter. Ed never became emotional like this over something trivial.

"I'm coming in..." Al declared, digging out the pin they'd used countless times to break into places they had no business being. Carefully he inserted it into the lock and wiggled it around. Inside the room there was a sudden flurry of activity as the elder presumably made himself presentable. With a small click the lock gave away under Al's expert fingers. He waited a moment out of respect for his brother and when all was quiet again he grasped the doorknob and turned, the door falling open enough to allow him entrance. Shyly he poked his head in, noticing his brother wasn't in the bed like he had expected.

Instead Edward was sitting in the large window in his room, staring out at the star filled night as though he'd never before looked at them. The room was full of nervous energy and Alphonse could feel it rubbing off on him. He'd always found that when his brother was upset it transferred to him. People often joked about 'Elric Telepathy' and it was at these moments that Al found it most plausible. Alphonse hated when his brother suffered…regrettably Edward had something of a martyr complex and carried the weight of the world at times on his shoulders. Apprehensive, he made his way slowly over to his brother.

"Brother??" Al asked timidly. Ed started despite knowing he was coming in, then turned and smiled, waving him over. Alphonse noticed his smile wasn't reflected in his eyes. Instead of easing the younger's worry it intensified at his brother's attempt at normality. Alphonse wandered over, standing by his brother and sharing the view. The stars were out in full force that night, twinkling merrily at the two brothers despite the mood. The moon was nearly full and cast a soft glow on Ed's face, making him appear paler than normal. Alphonse scrutinized him, but it was impossible to tell in the darkness if he actually had been crying or not. Al also knew that mentioning it would hurt his brother's pride and let out a sigh...mentally rolling his eyes at his brother's stubbornness.

"Al, where should we go next?" Edward asked, breaking the silence. Alphonse let out a small sound of surprise before the words sunk in. He didn't need to ask to know what his brother meant. They'd been traveling around the country three years now for information on the Philosopher's Stone. Ed thought the best chance they had in restoring their bodies lay in that alchemical catalyst, which amplified any alchemy that was done around it. Sadly, every lead so far had turned out to be a case of fraud, or a fake. He shrugged, his metal joints creaking noisily to accomplish the movement and Al idly thought about the oil can Winry had left him out in the living room.

"I was thinking maybe we could stay in Central awhile." Alphonse replied carefully. "I haven't heard anything new while you were away and we really have no leads to work off of. We could go to the National Library and comb through the books again, in case we missed something. Or we could talk to Mr. Hughes and that girl Sheska, they always seem to have good information. Also…" He paused a moment, unsure of how his brother was going to react to the next part of what he had to say. "Ed, Colonel Mustang needs to see you on Monday, he insisted on it."

"Oh come on Al!" Edward countered impatiently, a bite to his voice. "The Colonel won't even be out of the hospital, it can wait. We could go up North to Drachma and see if they've heard anything or go back out East to Xing to lean about that rentenjutsushi or whatever they call it, that medical alchemy I saw while I was there…There's so many places to go and things to learn, whatever the Colonel has to say can wait until we get back." Ed tried to keep the desperation out of his voice; his brother wouldn't understand the meaning behind it anyways.

A crash right beside him made him start, almost falling out the open window in shock. Al had slammed one large metal knuckle down on the window sill which had caused the clatter. He stared Ed down with a smouldering expression, angry for one of the first times at his brother's behaviour. He didn't understand why he was being so obstinate about all this. He had chosen the two farthest places they could go, and Alphonse wanted to know why Ed wanted to avoid Mustang at all costs. He grabbed his brother's shoulder instinctively and pulled him back inside the room and to safety.

"He's worried about you!" Alphonse finally said after he'd calmed down slightly. "Before I left the Colonel asked me to apologize to you for anything that happened. But…It wasn't his fault you know. You shouldn't blame him for your getting hurt. That's not like you at all! The brother I know wouldn't be afraid because some imposter attacked him, he would face things head on like always. He wouldn't sulk and stand still simply because he was hurting. What happened to you? What happened to my brother who would stand tall no matter what happened, who would surpass everything anyone ever said he couldn't do and look the world in the face??! Stop being so selfish Ed; don't you realize the Colonel is hurt too...That he went through the same thing? Ed….He just wants to talk!"

Golden eyes stared in shock, taking in his brother's outburst. Al so rarely got angry that whenever it actually happened Ed found himself at a loss of what to do. Slowly a smile spread across his face and he broke into nervous laughter clapping his brother on the shoulder. Then as quickly as it came, it passed and Ed turned back towards the window in quiet contemplation.

"I'll try Al…" he promised, then lapsed back into silence scanning the horizons and mentally counting every star that happened to be in the sky that night to get his mind off of everything.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday seemed to come too fast for Ed. Early as it was Edward was already awake and staring at his ceiling. Saying that he was simply awake was actually somewhat of an understatement as the teen hadn't slept at all the night before. Instead he'd pondered his situation and how best he could work through it without admitting to anything that had happened. The only solution he had been able to come up with was simply to ignore it all and pretend it had never transpired. He would attempt what felt impossible to him and treat the Colonel exactly as he always had...With disdain and witty retorts. He didn't know yet how long he could keep it up, but anything was worth a try.

He stretched as the sun came up, greeting the day with a scowl. Pulling on his regular clothes, for once he was glad for the layers of protection it offered. It gave him something he could hide behind in the day ahead. If the Colonel were to touch his shoulder, he'd hardly feel it...If his emotions started to well up he could pull on the hood and complain the sun was too bright. He wondered how many times in the past he'd done this very same thing but couldn't come up with a single incident. It was only recently he'd felt the need to shut out the world and create some sort of barrier between himself and it. It was only now that he wanted to hide from his emotions and how they affected others.

Wearily he wandered out into the living room and waved to Al who sat studying at the table. Al gave him a long look and he knew once more that he'd surprised his younger brother. He wasn't usually an early riser. Shrugging he grabbed the top book off the pile, skimmed through it and put it under his arm with a wink.

"This will give me something to do while I wait for that lazy-ass Colonel to get to his office."

Alphonse seemed pleased that his brother was making good on his promise and returned to his reading while Ed fumbled with his boots. He was annoyed when for the third time he'd caught the tongue under his foot instead of in front where it belonged and yanked it out in a huff. The lack of sleep was already wearing small holes around the edges of his consciousness. It was making it hard to focus, and he knew he'd be more irritable today than his normal self. He wondered if he'd ever be able to sleep soundly again. His mind was so full of guilt and doubts he sincerely doubted it…At least not in the near future.

It turned out he didn't have to wait long that day. Mustang had arrived before him and was already hard at work, signing documents furiously. It was a sight no one under Mustang's command saw very often and for a long time Ed just stood by the door chuckling under his breath while the Colonel tried desperately to catch up on weeks worth of documents. Finally Roy noticed the other's presence and stopped his frantic dashing. He waved the other in without pausing, and Ed nervously shuffled in. The Colonel signed his name with a flourish on the last page and triumphantly threw the last document on the top of the pile before addressing the other.

"Sit down Fullmetal." He said, gesturing to a couch Ed had sat on numerous times to give his reports. The difference between then and now was the Colonel's mood. Usually he was smug and was always one step ahead of Ed, knowing almost what he was going to say before he said it. Those "meetings" usually ended with Ed getting frustrated with the thinly veiled insults his superior tossed at him. Ed often wondered why he had to make those reports, when the Colonel seemed to know everything he'd been up to…Including even what he ate, where he was at all times and what company he kept. This time however, he seemed grave and wore a serious expression. He seemed to be genuinely concerned. This bothered Ed, and he dreaded the questions that would surely follow that stern façade. Ed did as ordered and perched on the very edge of the couch, stiff as a board.

The Colonel, all business, rose from his chair and made his way closer He sat across from the boy in a straight backed wooden chair, crossing one leg over the other comfortably. Ed watched his movements closely, trying not to feel as though the Colonel were pursuing him. Instead of dwelling on this he instead took careful consideration of the other's mood. Roy also looked tense, and was drumming his fingers absentmindedly against his boot, fidgeting in agitation. He also appeared to be thinking hard, probably on a way to open the conversation. He thought about what Al had said the night before about the Colonel being hurt and he pondered that maybe he'd been released too soon. He waited patiently for the barrage of questions, getting ready to defend himself at a moment's notice.

"I guess I don't have to ask to know that Homunculus did that to you." Mustang finally said, gesturing quickly to Ed's neck. Immediately Edward drew up his collar, hiding it from sight. Mustang shrugged in reply and tossed Edward a small black notebook which the teen caught and looked over suspiciously.

"I'd been thinking for quite some time that we needed a way to distinguish friend from foe, especially since our enemy can switch forms at will and is very adept at behaving much in the same way as us. I've asked everyone under my command to think up one 'identification question' we can ask each other in similar situations. It should be something no one else knows about you, otherwise it could backfire. You should add yours to the list, memorize it, and give it back to me. Once everyone has had a chance to learn each of the questions and their designated answers I will destroy this copy."

Edward nodded, thinking that it was a sound idea. He wondered why it hadn't been put in place earlier. He leafed through the few pages, easily memorizing each and every one. For a short while all was silent, and then Ed wrote his own in and passed the book back to the Colonel with a chuckle. "I never realized you had such a pathetic middle name Colonel." He teased.

Roy shrugged it off, not rising to the bait. "Maybe with this, we'll never have to go through another ordeal like what just transpired. I am truly sorry we didn't think of this before." He said kindly, causing Ed to narrow his eyes at the unexpected empathy.

"Just what do you think happened exactly?" He asked coldly. 'Just what did that bastard Envy tell you....' he thought nervously to himself, twisting his hands together anxiously.

Roy looked at him in confusion. "You were tricked and attacked weren't you?" He said as though it were obvious. "Look, I realize it must have been quite a struggle but you made it through. I sympathize bu…" He reached out to the boy, which caused Ed to react violently, hitting the others hand away.

"You sympathize?!...You understand!?" He shouted, enraged at the other's flippant break down of what he was going through. "You don't even know the half of it…As far as I'm concerned you actually don't know a thing of what happened. Yet you insist you understand??! Stop trying to get into my head! Try seeing all this from my side…I…" He paused shaking his head, having momentarily come too close to confessing what really had him so upset. His glare withered on his face, replaced instead by an anguished gaze. "Fuck this…it was a mistake expecting you of all people to understand. Don't try to _make things better _anymoreokay?? Just do your stinking job like you're supposed to and leave me outta your stupid musings. Last thing I want is _sympathy _from you. Call me back when you have more leads for me." He finished and stormed out ignoring the blank stare boring into his back. He made sure to slam the Colonel's office door for good measure, filling the room with a resounding crash.


	3. Chapter 2: Secret

**Chapter 2: Secret**

**Author's note: **_So sorry this took so long. A lot has been happening. As you all know I tried out for Stella Voci (no results yet) and I have been so nervous I can't function lol. Also….Someone rather close to me died…So I spent some time writing a song to remember him by...His funeral is on Saturday so I dunno if I am going to be super quick about the next chapter. Anyways, as always I would like to take this space to thank everyone who has reviewed up until now...And an even bigger SPECIAL thanks to those people who have given me some confidence in my audition with all your lovely compliments. With all you guys supporting me...I feel like I can do anything ^_^ So thanks –bows- This is actually a nice lovely long chapter, so I hope you all enjoy._

Edward returned home that evening muttering every profanity imaginable against the Colonel. When he ran out of insults he stopped and sighed. While the major part of him was relieved that Roy didn't know what was really going on, and simply thought he'd been attacked, he couldn't help the small part of him that was disappointed in the Colonel's patronizing attitude. Though Ed knew that Roy only behaved that way when exasperated, it always bothered him. It seemed as though every word out of the Colonel's mouth turned scathing and accusing when he was annoyed. It was like salt in a wound to Edward, who felt with every passing moment what had transpired the day before really was a dream. An evil dream that left the dreamer angry, disgusted and wanting what they couldn't have. Darkly Edward wished a painful death on the one who put all these confusing emotions into full spiral and then reflected on his behaviour. Ed knew he'd been overly hard on the Colonel. That he'd taken out all his frustrations on someone who didn't really deserve it, even if it felt like he did. It made him feel guilty and he wondered if he'd tarnished the shattered remains of their relationship….If they now couldn't even try to be friends. Heavy hearted and still muttering under his breath, Edward pushed open the door to the flat he shared with his brother.

Al winced as the door closed sharply, turning to see a very pissed off Edward. Judging from his brother's heavy breath, gritted teeth and clenched fists…The meeting with Mustang didn't go well. 'Geeze brother, couldn't you have given him a chance?' Alphonse thought glumly to himself and crossed the room to get to his brother, reaching over Ed to hang up his long crimson jacket before Ed annoyed himself further because the hook was too high. Al made a mental note to lower it one day while Ed was at Headquarters. "Brother, welcome home!" Al said cheerily, trying to change the mood by amplifying his own. It always seemed to work with Ed, who was very volatile and prone to mood swings at the speed of light and the best way to counteract his violent side was to make yourself happier, making sure to project it outwards. Al was surprised no one else had caught onto this little technique. The effects were almost immediate. Ed blinked confusedly a moment before grinning at his brother, reaching up and knocking as far up onto Al's arm as he could reach, a standard greeting between them. Edward sniffed, catching wind of the soup Al had made earlier in the day for his return.

"Something smells good!" he complimented, gravitating subconsciously towards the kitchen. "But I keep telling you….I'm perfectly capable of making my own meals." Al thought back to the last time Ed had 'made his own meal.' The kitchen had been a mess: pots and pans were everywhere, scraps from failed attempts littered the counters and the garbage overflowed. Ed was sitting at the table reading the cookbook, writing furiously on a piece of paper while a pot over boiled, down so low on water that the pasta in the bottom was charred black. When Al had asked what he thought he was doing Edward had shrugged and said something about cooking being early alchemy and he was reading it as though it was an alchemy book and had found out something interesting and thought it was a code…Typically, Edward had forgotten what he was doing when faced with something he found more interesting. Alphonse chuckled at the memory. His brother might be a genius boy prodigy…But he failed at regular household chores. That was just part of what made Ed, Ed.

"And I told you…I LIKE cooking…" Al countered in amusement, still inwardly chuckling. "Besides I didn't make this, Mrs. Hughes dropped it off while you were at work." Alphonse lied smoothly, knowing Ed would never turn down Gracia's cooking. He also never looked forward to his brother's lectures when he caught Al doing the little things that Ed felt he should be doing himself. In Ed's eyes, Alphonse should just sit back and let Ed do all the work…Ed's reasoning being that one-- he was the older brother and two--it was his sin and he had to right it himself. No matter how hard Al tried, he couldn't convince his brother that it was equally his fault and that he'd practically die of boredom if he just spent all day reading. Al watched as Ed's eyes lit up at the mention of Mrs. Hughes, which got him to wondering when the last time his brother had visited the happy-go-lucky Lieutenant Colonel. 'We should go visit them soon…' Alphonse thought in exasperation, taking care of his older brother was a full time job.

"Well that's different…Why didn't you say so earlier!?" Ed exclaimed, practically dashing into the kitchen and lifted the lid. "Wow…It looks like mom's stew….Which means there's milk…But I don't care it's STEW!!" he said excitedly. Alphonse sighed; his brother could win the award for 'most gullible' sometimes. Sitting at the table, he giggled happily to himself as he watched his brother retrieve a bowl from the sink, wash it and ladle a full bowl of the hot, rich smelling broth into it. Plopping himself into the chair across from Al, the golden haired teen began to eat with gusto, and Al rolled his eyes. Ed had forgotten to stop for lunch…Again….'I'll have to remember to pack him a lunch tonight..' Al thought to himself. 'Though a lot of good that's gonna do him…He'll still get caught up in something and forget.'

"Is it good?" Al asked, hoping he didn't sound too interested. Alphonse always wondered what his cooking tasted, smelt and felt like and spent much of his time experimenting. Ed nodded in agreement and finished his helping, returning for a second. Again he ladled it full to the brim, and Alphonse secretly swelled with pride that his cooking seemed adequate. Al again watched as his brother ate. When he seemed to be slowing down Al decided that there was no better time to breech the subject that had him burning with curiosity. "What happened today?" he asked carefully. "You seemed angry when you came in…"

The bowl, again empty, clattered noisily against the table followed shortly by the spoon. The anger had returned, Ed's hands were tightly tucked together, the palms turning white from the force. He looked like he was trying to say something, but stopped. For a moment Ed closed his eyes, getting himself under control. What Al had mistook for anger…Was really anxiety. Ed shrugged. "The usual…He was patronizing and pretended he knew everything. It was annoying…I wish I hadn't gone." Ed punched the air a few times, mimicking punching Mustang in the face to relieve some of his restless energy. "He was all 'I sympathize' and 'I understand. Yeah-fucking-right…He doesn't understand shit. Like hell he knows what I'm thinking and feeling and I don't appreciate his poking around in things that don't concern him. He's just a paper pushing lazy ass bastard Colonel who can't even damn well do one simple thing right. All he had to do was do his job...And get home on a stinking train. He couldn't even do that right…The fucking idiot!"

Al rolled his eyes. His brother had a tendency to swear like a sailor, and it grated on his nerves. It almost seemed like an insult to their dead mother, who had always taught them to mind their P's and Q's. "Are you sure you yelled all that loud enough brother? I think the little old lady who lives down the street had her hearing aid off…You may want to try again..." He said gently, coaxing his brother into a more acceptable speech pattern.

Edward gave Alphonse a blank look a moment before understanding dawned in his features. Then he ran a hand embarrassedly through his hair with a slight chuckle. "Sorry…I just….It was in the moment is all. I'll try not to do it again." He said sincerely, knowing how much it bugged Al.

Alphonse shrugged in reply, still regarding him seriously. "I want to know why you're so strung out about all this…" He started again, his gaze keeping his brother's eyes glued to his,

"I-am-NOT strung out. I'm acting completely normal…" Ed interrupted, wishing he could disappear into the floor boards. It bothered him when Al took the parental role, chiding him or comforting him as the situation called for. Ed would rather leave it as is and focus more on his brother, but to his great annoyment, it always seemed that he...the great Fullmetal Alchemist, was the needier one of the two. He began to quietly clean up his mess from supper.

There was silence for awhile as Ed moved around the kitchen. Al used this time to ponder the situation. Thought Edward routinely watered down the truth so Al wouldn't worry about him, he could see some huge differences between that and this situation. For one, Ed wasn't being cautious, he was avoidant and defensive, and upset. Al knew this was the most upset he'd been in a long while. This called for more drastic measures…

"Ed…You're not okay and things are anything but normal. I heard you crying last night…Not to mention how much you've been fidgeting…And you're tense as hell. You've been odd ever since you came back." Al watched as Ed straightened, his posture tense, frozen into place. The cutlery that he'd been washing slipped from soapy fingers back into the dish water with a small plop.

"You…You weren't supposed to hear that." He said quietly, ashamed. "Al…I'm….Just trying to work things out. I'll get past this. Don't worry. I'm fine….I'm fine." He repeated the last part softly to himself as though he needed the reassurance. Al noticed that Ed's hands were shaking slightly, the only real clue that his brother was holding his true emotions back. It looked hard, and hurt Al to watch. He shook his head, wanting to help.

"There used to be a time where we could talk about anything, not just what was convenient. I don't want to be sheltered. If you're having a hard time, I wouldn't mind you leaning on me for once, instead of facing it alone. I need you to tell me why you're so upset! We've been attacked before…Many times. And we've been through harsh circumstances; we've even seen people get killed. We're constantly in some kind of danger…So why is this different?" He waited a moment to let his words sink in and have the desired effect. He hated to pull on his brother's heartstrings but he knew that sometimes the only way to get Ed to open up was to play the guilt card on him. Ed appeared to be thinking hard and was subconsciously pacing around the small kitchen, sinking angrily into his chair when he caught himself doing so. He ran his hands through his hair and then leaned down, resting against them. His shoulders sagged wearily with the action. "Brother…You can tell me..." Al encouraged, and would have actually smiled were he able to.

"Things didn't happen the way you think Al…There's more." Ed said after a long moment of silence. He stared down at the table, unable to make eye contact. "You might change your mind about me…Or be disgusted, or even hate me if I tell you….Or think I'm an idiot. The last one especially I fully deserve…I am a fucki--sorry, bloody idiot." He said with a sigh.

"I could never hate you." Al reassured him, "you're my brother, my family. I just want to know so I can do for you what you've always done for me, and help you."

"Even if I did something really stupid…Something that is frowned upon?" Ed asked, craving a sincere answer. He knew his brother spoke the truth but he needed to hear it. His brother could help him to chip away at the anger, pain and guilt threatening to drown him. He waited anxiously for Al's reply.

"Especially then!" his brother replied gently. "Now tell me why you're so upset…What happened that you're keeping a secret." He demanded, sounding like his parent and not a younger brother at all. Ed suddenly felt he couldn't keep quiet any longer and that if he did he'd be crushed under his pain.

"Al it's…..I'm…You see..." Ed begun, trying to find the right words to convey not only what happened but what he feels. "I think…." He sighed. "I think I'm in love with the Colonel. I'm not talking that I see him like a father figure or anything like that…But something more. I have felt this way awhile…Since I went to Xing, you remember that right?" Al nodded, too in shock at his brother's confession to speak. "Well I was really nervous. Kinda scared, I thought I wouldn't be able to do the mission alone. He came with me and…and he was so nice. I don't think I ever saw him like that. He stayed with me that first nigh---Oh Al don't make that face, not like that!! He just stayed and comforted me, and told me it was all right." He blushed softly remembering. "But it…Made me wonder. And I couldn't stop thinking about him after that...And in ways that weren't the same as before, I was more wondering how it would feel if…I won't go into details though...But it was a hard six months I tell ya. It was maddening, wondering if I was anything to him and being left there all alone. Apparently though, Envy had seen us together and then noticed how I acted after and decided to use it to his advantage. That's when the Colonel went missing…" Ed said, dropping his voice now that he was getting to the more shameful part of his tale. Al strained to hear what his brother had to say.

"When I found him….He was broken. He acted so pathetic. I took him back, but he didn't want to go home right away…Actually he couldn't stand to be left alone at all. He….Well the act was so real I never thought to question it." Ed said, staring at the wall and not making eye contact. He looked weary. "Through the weeks we really bonded…And for some fucked up reason I will never understand, on the way home he asked me if I felt for him more than a commanding officer and I admitted it…And…He asked if I would come home with him. I let him get closer than I've ever let anyone in my entire life. I let down my guard around him and let it take me where it will….I loved him…I thought it was real. I was happy, Al." His eyes dimmed as they would just before he would cry and Al reached out to him but Ed pulled away and dropped his head down against the table instead. "I fell in love with a fake….I let him…We…" Ed tried then shrugged and moved on. "But no matter what I try, I can't get Roy out of my head. I keep remembering things, things that weren't real but felt like it...It's worse than if it were a break up…Because he never felt that way in the first place. I want him to touch me again, call my name….Hell I just want my feelings to be returned. I have no business wanting this though….He would never be interested in me….But I want him so badly...Which makes me a bastard. I'm not really mad at Roy, I just can't face him….It's too hard."

Though still in shock from the unexpected confession of what Envy had actually done to bother his brother so badly, this time Al grabbed his brother, enveloping him in a bear-hug. Initially surprised, Ed tensed but relaxed and to his own disgust found he was crying again…And so hid his head against his brother's shoulder. "I'm sorry Al…." He choked out, not even sure what he was apologizing for. "So sorry…."

Al's hug tightened, restricting his movement and the free flow of oxygen. It would have been a painful hug if Ed had been in the right mind, but in his fragile state he not only welcomed the contact but the pain…It was proof he could still feel, that his emotions weren't damaged. He wrapped his own arms around his brother's large torso, feeling the cold metal against his arm. "For what?!" Al challenged, "You haven't done anything wrong!" Edward shook his head, silently crying, unable to stop the rush of pain now that it had started. Mortified, he kept his face hidden stubbornly...The final shard of dignity he had left. He'd lived through alot: his father abandoning them, their mother dying not once but twice when he'd made the biggest mistake in his life. The guilt that he'd damned his brother. The physical pain like losing an arm and a leg and the painful surgery to become independent again, living life being pursued by a bunch of psycho's, being part of the military…Both caused a lot of pain. There was also the emotional pain like watching your best friend lose both her parents in a pointless war. Watching those long days unable to say anything to make it better, because you couldn't tell her they'd come home anymore, and the most stinging, learning that even with all your knowledge and power you couldn't even save one little girl from being used and discarded like a worthless toy. Letting a little girl's life end because he hadn't seen the signs fast enough and protected her.

Over the years he'd watched himself change, losing his naivety and childlike arrogance to save the world and saw it replaced with a cold distance and wisdom learned through trial, that he was nothing but a lowly pathetic human and not some kind of God or super hero…That he was only a lone orphan in a world over-wrought with pain and strife. He'd thought there was nothing more life could strip away from him, that there was only room to move up now that he'd lost everything...But he'd forgotten something important, he'd forgotten his heart.

Al felt himself crumbling in the face of his brother's anguish. He couldn't let go of him, afraid that he'd break in two or shatter like fragile glass. He was in awe that his brother had dealt with all this alone until then, and was once again amazed by his resilience. Al vowed though that he wouldn't run away from any of this and would take care of his brother, that even though his pain was rubbing him raw, he wouldn't run away. He ran clumsy fingers through his brother's hair, helpless to do more than watch as a lifetime of tears washed over the iron suit he was imprisoned in. He feverishly wished he could change places with Ed, protecting him from all the pain he had. Al could share the weight. Edward had a bad habit of carrying all the sins of the Earth squarely on his small shoulders…shoulders that looked always like they were on the point of breaking under the pressure. Ed may be the strongest person he knew, but he also knew his brother too well…And knew that through his stubbornness was a real fear that if he talked about what bothered him it would make it worse. Ed always carried all the blame, so that none would touch Al; felt it was his duty as the older brother.

When the tears finally stopped, his brother pulled away, wiping at his eyes and wearing an embarrassed expression. "Al, please don't tell the Colonel about any of this?" He pleaded, flinching even at his own mention of the other. He continued to wipe at his eyes to try to disguise the red-rims around them, Al had never seen him so openly upset and it affected him.

"Yeah…." Al responded, his voice thick. Anger rose within him, boiling hot and bubbling. He'd never hated anyone in his life, but at that moment he wanted to track down Envy and tear him limb from limb for the anguish he'd put his brother through. He'd put an end to the sick game that was played and before the sin died…He'd make sure his brother received some kind of closure. He wouldn't allow his brother to be broken….And the one responsible for bringing him this far down would pay for it…In his own blood. "I'll keep it a secret…But Ed; I think you should tell the Colonel. Somehow…I think he would understand..." He said, fighting to keep his tone neutral.

Ed smiled sadly and shook his head. Exhausted, but feeling a little bit better now that Al at least knew the truth he excused himself. Quietly and efficiently he got ready for bed, collapsing on top of the covers and got his earlier wish…He dissolved quickly into a dreamless sleep.


	4. Chapter 3: Strain part one

**Chapter 3: Strain, Part 1**

**Author's note: **_Oh me oh my…I feel SO bad for the wait..This isn't even the whole chapter but I wanted to give all of you's SOMETHING for the long long time between chapters. A lot of crap has been happening in my life….My brother is evil…I won't get into too many details but his aqqusations etc are so bad it's actually driving me out of my own home…Then my cat needed surgery…And getting ready for the holidays…The list goes on and on and on…So I am so sorry again that it has been so long between…And sorry that this is shorter than usually..I split the chapter into two parts…_

Roy Mustang was a patient man……

So when Edward first began to avoid him he didn't think much of it. He was content to wait it out. In fact he would have found the whole situation amusing…If it hadn't been so annoying to always catch the youngster scurrying off whenever he noticed the other's presence. It wasn't that he was exactly running away, but there was an urgency about the teen that annoyed the Colonel..Sure he and Fullmetal never really got along, but Roy couldn't help thinking he had done something wrong. He'd wracked his brain and kept coming up short. Eventually he just blamed the whole ordeal on the kidnapping incident. Mustang wanted to talk again with Ed, especially since he was struggling so much, but it was difficult to say the least when the other wouldn't even stay in the same room with him. In defeat Roy had decided to give him space, and that first week he'd let Ed have assignments that would allow him to spend plenty of the time in the library..He'd even let him report to Hawkeye, claiming to be too busy to see him.

By the second week Roy was finding it hard to see Ed even to give his orders. Mustang, as Ed's direct Superior Officer, had to see him at least to give him sensitive orders he couldn't allow his subordinates to issue. Ed either didn't seem to know this, or care in the slightest. It wasn't that he was slacking off…He was as efficient as ever…But he'd come either first thing in the morning before the Colonel was schedueled to arrive or late in the evening as Mustang was preparing to leave. The boy would stay long enough to hand off his report and salute then leave before Mustang could say anything. It was late into the second week that Roy had begun to feel frustrated. Still, he told himself to give the teen some time…That he'd come around.

Yes…Roy Mustang was patient, but his nerves were worn to the breaking point. It was now well into the third week and Colonel Mustang was staring at the neatly written formal report waiting for him on his desk. Edward had yet again come early in the morning. For some reason, today it was too much. The tidy little pile of white on black suddenly seemed to be the most offensive thing on the planet. He swept the pile off to the side where he could ignore it, a few of the now mussed pile falling from his desk and fluttering softly to the ground, forgotten.

"That's _it_!!" He shouted to no one in particular. "I'm going to find out once and for all what the kid's problem is!!"

* * *

So began the fourth week…..

To the untrained eye, nothing had changed. People still came and went as they normally would; there was no big explosion to call attention to the war that had just begun. To Roy though, it was war and he treated it in the same serious way he always had. He had made himself a promise that he'd find out what was bothering Edward, and help him. For some reason he hated seeing the teen as nervous and upset as he had been since the "incident" as he was now describing it to himself. He started making small changes to his work habits, trying to be in the office later so that he'd catch the blonde...And when that failed he began coming to work earlier than everyone else.

That very same morning Roy's plan got its desired effect. Sitting in his office around 5 am almost asleep and doubting the teen would show his face Ed had walked into the room and almost dropped the notes he was carrying in surprise. Mustang smirked in triumph, the visit pushing the need to sleep from his thoughts. "Good morning Fullmetal." He said cheerily, careful to keep any hint of smugness from his voice. "To what do I owe this very early visit?"

"Ah…Go--Good Morning Colonel." Edward had stuttered out, his eyes widening at the surprise. "I...Just have a report. I'll put them here; you can get to them when you have time…" Gingerly he placed the papers on the the very edge of the desk, as far away from Mustang as he could. Roy shook his head and pushed them back.

"Come now Edward, surely it's obvious that at this hour I'm not busy. In fact, I'm rarely here at this time." Calmly he folded his hands under his chin, staring the boy down. "When I say I want a report given, your written findings are not what interest me. I want a full verbal debriefing. That's an order." He kept his voice authoritively, the same tone he'd use when he really needed attention, that what he said commanded the utmost compliance or there'd be consequences. Of course, unable to ignore a direct order Edward had sighed in defeat and had picked up the papers again, beginning his report.

When he'd finished Roy issued some new orders for the boy. Number one: Edward was no longer allowed to hole himself up in the library. Number two: Every report and clue he unearthed was to be reported verbally directly to him. And last but not least: Edward had to be his personal assistant for the week. It just so happened that Lieutenant Hawkeye had asked for the week off and Mustang had jumped on the chance and instead of taking the assistant the office had assigned for him, had told them he had another person in mind. Edward was not happy with this last order. He cursed, yelled and tried to guilt his way out of the assignment. He'd tried to use Al as an excuse, saying he was used to being with his brother and shouldn't be left alone. Mustang argued that time apart was good and that Al could always visit if he got too bored. Ed tried to say they had plans to leave Central, Roy ordered him to cancel them indefinitely. For every excuse Fullmetal gave, the older man parried it with ease. Eventually Ed threw his hands up in frustration, out of ideas.

"You're a bastard you know…" He had said in such an exasperated, tired tone that Roy couldn't help but let out a good-natured chuckle.

"Yes I know…" He said understanding and smiled, sure he'd finally gotten the break-through he'd asked for.

* * *

Tuesday dawned bright and early and blearily Roy watched the sunrise with a sigh. He missed his bed..Missed sleeping in to his regular time. He'd never realized what a difference an hour made. Taking a sip of the black coffee he grimaced, unused to the bitter brew. It was his sixth cup since arriving and he was beginning to believe someone had switched the entire Headquarter's supply to decaf. Roy mused it would have to be a terrorist group intent on having a bunch of sleepy soldiers instead of alert ones to deal with when they stormed the building. Roy filed the idea into the back of his mind….It really wasn't such a bad plan with so many people relying on the stuff to keep awake day after day.

Over the edge of the coffee cup he could see Edward curled up on the couch asleep, and envied him. Though Ed had looked ragged when he'd come that morning, Roy believed he hadn't slept at all the night before and had let him rest. Ed looked alot more peaceful while he slept, he'd thought..and for the next few minutes he'd done nothing but watched the rise and fall of the others chest. Roy wondered what he dreamt about…Then he decided to try a little something he'd read about but had never had the chance to test out. Placing down the stark white cup as gently and quietly as he could he made his way over to the sleeping boy, kneeling down beside him. He placed one hand gently on the youth's shoulder and leaned in whispering the boy's name in his ear. When this didn't wake him up he asked softly: "Edward…What's bothering you."

There was a long silence and Roy laughed softly to himself, feeling stupid. The boy though turned from him as though sensing his presence there and muttered something softly. Roy strained to hear, the words coming clear. "I'm afraid that you'll hate me…." Roy's grip tightened, somehow hearing this made him angry.

"Edward listen..I could never hate you…Why would you think that?" He started but was cut short as the teen stirred for real, coming awake. Before Roy could move back golden orbs stared into his and surprise was apparent on both faces. Roy couldn't help but think that if Ed had been born a girl he'd probably be the most gorgeous one in all of Amestris. He resisted the urge to shake his head to rid himself of the thought and backed up just as Ed sat up. They stared at each other a minute more before Ed broke the silence, his cheeks colouring faintly.

"Just what do you think you're doing…" He said embarrassed, the blush creeping slowly across his features in a way that was both adorable yet alarming to the Colonel. "Standing over me while I sleep…Perverted Colonel…." He rubbed his eyes and glared, more embarrassed than angry. His heart though, was beating fast and even the Colonel could tell he was tense.

"Sorry.." Roy said and shrugged. "It's getting late and I wanted to wake you up." Standing he returned to his desk. Silence returned to the room as Mustang fussed with some of his papers, trying to gain his composure. What Edward had said, coupled with the boy's reaction when he'd awoke was starting to bother the Colonel. What exactly was he dreaming about? Why would he hate him? These questions and more ran through his mind. He also thought of the sweetness he'd seen in Edward as he slept, the way his hair framed his face and his expression had relaxed into a small smile…But because of the feelings it brought up he pushed them away. He'd only once acted on his feelings to the boy…And look where it had gotten them. No…Paternal or otherwise…Roy knew he must keep his relationship with Edward purely professional, for both their sakes. Edward wouldn't allow this kind of thing anyways, especially with how things were now. It was like Ed was closed to him…And right as he'd been beginning to creep past the other's defences…Seeing a small glimmer of what could be. He cleared his throat and decided to try to make conversation.

"Today you'll be accompanying me to a meeting with General Hakuro. There's some paper and pens here, and I would like you to take notes not only about what is said but anything you observe while we are there. That meeting is at 7 am…half an hour from now." Ed made a non-commental grunt in the back of his throat but otherwise gave no other sign he'd been listening. Mustang waited a moment before sighing in frustration, wishing the boy would just talk with him. Even if it was about nothing but the weather, it would still give him a sense that he was moving past all this. A few more seconds passed in silence before a lightbulb came on in Mustang's mind…He'd thought of a way to get the boy to talk.

"I'm sorry…Perhaps I wasn't speaking loud enough for you." He said, plastering on his trademark smirk. "I always forget how much _lower _you are to the ground. It must be hard to pick out words when I tower over you so much." He raised his voice just slightly, emphesizing his meaning. Roy noted a small twitch from Edward, as though the boy was longing to hit him, but the teen still kept his silence. 'If at first you don't succeed….' Roy thought to himself mischeviously. "I've often wondered what it's like to be a midget…You could probably let me know though couldn't you? I have so many questions like: How do you climb up into bed at night when the beds here aren't made for dwarves? How can you see over the dashboard in cars…No scratch that…How do cars see you crossing the street when you're so small they can't see you? Do they sense your presence?"

"Shut up Roy…" Edward said dangerously, using the Colonel's first name subconsciously. He glowered at the older man, getting to his feet. Momentarily confused to the use of his first name Roy shrugged at the teen.

"I'm just curious…Help a fellow out. I mean at fifteen years old I know many ten year old's that are taller than you and I'm wondering how people don't squash you under their feet like a bug, it's very unfortuna--"

He couldn't finish his sentence because at that moment Edward had sprung at him with almost unnatural quickness, slamming the taller man against the wall and pulling him down to his level by the collar. His cat-like eyes blazed with anger. "I AM NOT FUCKING SHORT OKAY!!!!!!!!!?" he raged at the elder, his grip tightening against the material, pulling tight against the others neck. "It's NOT okay to lord it over me because you are some FREAK of nature….You can't walk all over me."

Roy smirked again, completely unconcerned about the other's violence. "Sorry if that's how it sounded…Of course I wouldn't walk all over you..You're much too small for that….One step should be sufficient. But surely even you're not so miniscule as to resort to petty violence to cover up your _SHORT _ comings in life." He goaded the teen, baiting him with further insult.

Edward's angry yell was loud enough to turn heads down the hall. "WHO ARE YOU INSINUATING IS AS SMALL AS AN ANT AND IS SO SMALL THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVE TO HAVE A SHORT FUSE TO MATCH YOU COCKY ARROGENT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed at the older man pushing him into the wall in a blind rage. Using his own weight to pin the bigger man he raised a fist planning to let the Colonel have it once and for all.

The arm was just as quickly intercepted, throwing him off balance and snapping him out of his anger. He looked up in shock realizing how close he'd come to getting himself courtmartialed and then as that fear quieted down Edward realized just how close he was to the other man…Like right up against him. He tried to pull away but the other's grip on his arm was like steel. Roy leaned in so he was only an inch from touching noses with the blonde. "Now that I have your attention…Tell me what's bothering you…"

Edward's glare changed, from murderous to embarrassed and he wrenched himself away from the other. "Go-to-hell.." He hissed in answer, taking a few steps backwards and hoping he wasn't blushing. He shut out the part of his mind excitedly whispering to him that he'd been so close to the Colonel, that he could have just closed that space between them and kissed him. That of course led to the realization that he still wanted to kiss him which in turn led to so many confusing thoughts that soon the young alchemists head was spinning. To try to console himself he slipped back into anger, blaming the Colonel for the return of these feelings just as he had gotten them under control, gritting his teeth as a distraction. Roy sighed and handed him a pad of paper.

"It's time to go Major-Spazz." He said dryly, which of course sparked the other's irritation again. Before Mustang could process what had gone wrong Edward had turned on his heels, his red cloak flaring behind him and millions of papers fluttered down around Mustang, his face stinging from where the teen had tossed them in his face.

"Take your own damn notes Colonel Bastard." The blonde retorted and disappeared down the hall, leaving behind a very startled Colonel.


	5. Chap 3: Strain part two

**Chapter 3.5: Strain part two**

_(Author note: OMG OMG Sorry sorry sorry sorry HOUNTO NI GOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got so busy…I moved two provinces over, I had tons of things for Christmas….Things were crazy and I just couldn't write. I feel awful…I bet I lost everyone who was reading thing…And I would SO deserve it I…Well…I hope this chapter (which is the second part of the chappy…It was a very long chapter) will make up for this…And I am TRYING I may be a bit again, cause I am at the end of what I have in my notebook but I will try and keep on a schedule as I love this story about as much as I know some of you do. I lobve all you readers please don't abandon meeeee!!! T_T)_

If Tuesday had been a disaster, Wednesday was nothing less than catastrophe. Roy had again arrived early, an ungodly hour in which the sun was still sleeping. Cursing the fiery orb as lazy he collapsed into the large chair behind his deck and scanned the room. Ed was not there…Which Mustang thought odd but decided he was running a little late. An hour passed, bathing the dim room in a blood red as the sun finally made her appearance, but the crimson shower didn't bring with it the hot-headed teen. In fact, most of the morning passed without so much as an inkling as to where the blonde could be, worrying the Colonel.

Finally, around ten thirty the boy sauntered into the office, bright eyed and well rested. Like a whirlwind he swept into the room, and regarded Mustang with a cheeky smirk. "You look like shit.." He said smugly, looking him over once before sitting in his usual place and begrudgingly Roy had had to agree, as he felt like shit as well. It had been three nights now that he'd been getting up early even after an exhaustingly long day fulfilling the many duties he had as Colonel. His eyes were heavy and red rimmed and his head hurt as though a couple of trolls were waging war there. All in all it felt like a bad hangover. Ed had smirked once more from a safe distance.

Blearily Roy watched him, his eyes widening as he realized Ed had one upped him, and he'd come in late on purpose, knowing Roy was still coming in early. 'The little brat is celebrating!!' he thought to himself in bewilderment. It didn't sit well with him that Ed was playing mind games with him when he was just trying to get to the bottom of all the problems they were facing. Next thing he knew he had risen from his seat and had crossed the distance between them, pinning the youth to the couch and placing a hand on each side of him, barring his escape.

"Just what is your problem!" He roared hotly, glaring at the shocked boy. "I try being nice, your friend…I've even tried being fatherly…And you don't change anything. In fact, instead of realizing what an _asshole _you're being..You play tricks on me." He seethed angrily. Ed looked like a deer caught in headlights and was pushing as far into the couch behind him, as though expecting eventually to fall right through. Roy ignored the other's discomfort, too cranky and worked up to let it go this time. Instead he grabbed onto the boy's shirt, forcing Edward to look at him.

"Look here, if you don't want to tell me what's got you all messed up that's fine, but you have to stop acting like a spoiled brat! Quit playing games with me making it out that I'm the one in the wrong here, I've done nothing but try to help you. I'm through coddling you like some spoiled brat. Shape up, and just get over it..Let it go. We both have a job to do, and I don't want to keep checking up on you all the time."

He then released the frightened boy and returned to his desk, not even turning around as Ed slumped back down into his seat, bewildered at this display of anger…and his legs could no longer hold him upright. The next few minutes were completely silent aside from the Colonel's pen scratching against a paper. A sound, as though someone was clearing their throat permitted the icy silence and Roy looked up with mild curiosity.

"Can I go now…" Ed said hesitantly and Roy tried to ignore how unnaturally bright the other's eyes were, feeling guilty for causing the other such distress over his own lack of sleep.

"Yeah…" he sighed handing his a stack of signed papers. "Take these over to Investigations and then you can go do some research in the library. There's no need to report back until tomorrow."

* * *

The next day Ed failed to show up at all. Colonel Mustang was furious. It was now midday and he was sitting again at his desk a foot tapping out his irritation. Roy ran through every military punishment ever handed out for insubordination before settling finally on the old standby, scrubbing all the toilets in Central headquarters. Initially he toyed with the idea of having the teen use his own toothbrush for the task but decided that was going too far, both for his own love of good hygiene and sparing the boy's pride. Dialing the number to Ed's apartment he wasn't surprised when it was the younger Elric who answered.

"Alphonse, get Fullmetal on the phone right now." He ordered in lieu of a proper greeting. There was a slight pause before Al responded.

"Colonel…err…. I meant to call earlier but I just got Ed to actually lie down and rest. He's been really sick all night. I doubt he'll be up to seeing anything but a toilet bowl in the next 24 hours." There was a slight pause. "Look, Colonel…I really can't talk right now. He's up again. If this keeps up I may have to take him to see the doctor..I _told_ him not to eat that week old gunk in the fridge. You need him you'll have to come down here…But I really don't think he'll be much help."

Then came the click and Mustang was left clutching a dead line. He doubted completely the story he was just told, his gut told him Ed was healthy and just ditching. He pulled on his jacket and headed to the door..It was time to make a house call.

Knocking for the third time Roy wondered if he was being ignored and reached out to turn the knob, which turned out to be unlocked. Sighing at the Brother's lack of common sense he let himself in and quietly closed the door. Silently he stood in the small hall leading in from the door, trying to make out what the hushed voices were saying. He noticed Ed sounded strained.

"Al, I have to go to work. _He'll _come here if I don't." Roy winced, even muted by a door Ed didn't sound well. "I can't afford a sick day."

"I called him brother…no….Don't get up!" Al's voice carried over the din, worried as a mother hen. There was a creak and a muffled grunt as the younger brother presumably pushed the elder back into his bed.

"You don't understand Al!" Ed sighed in frustration. "He'll think it's because he got mad at me yesterd--"His sentence was abruptly cut off as he began to cough violently and eventually wretched. This awful sound went on awhile and Mustang began to feel ashamed he had doubted what Alphonse had said. Finally it stopped and he heard the boy take a deep, shaky breath, the only sound filling the silence. Ed began to talk again, and Roy strained to hear the words, which were hoarse almost unto a whisper. "I wish things would go back to how they were before…" Ed said in a small, sad voice. "Before…..all of this. I know I'm worrying you..And the Taisa but I can't help it. Whenever I'm near him I can't think straight and my stomach gets butterflies, it's so embarrassing. Maybe all this worrying made me sick." He gave a heavy sigh, as though he'd become world weary. "I just want things to be normal again…And not so crazy. I hate it."

"I know it's hard for you Brother." Al said knowingly. "It's hard keeping this to yourself…But I still think you should talk to him…I know he'd understand."

"For the hundredth time NO!" Ed retorted angrily, causing Mustang to jump. "That's not fair…First I got dragged through the mud, I have endured this all without much complaining..You can't ask me to tell him this, to cause me that much pain. I already feel betrayed. I--" He sighed again. "Al, can you get me some water." He said gently in a tone that said the matter was closed.

Roy scrambled back to the door with those words, not wanting to be caught listening in on the brothers private conversation. He was surprised, and curious at the implication behind what Ed had said, and what he'd started to say. Roy could feel more emotion in the sentence Ed had started, and wondered just what was running through the other's mind. Contrary to how he was with him, here Ed wasn't all pins and needles and seemed more fragile and vunerable. He certainly didn't seem afraid of attack, at least not a physical one. It was more like he was afraid of being hurt emotionally, or having some feeling or another trampled on….And what was this about butterflies and not being able to think straight?? Mustang wanted to have more information about this new more gentle Ed, and wished he could be a fly on the wall at the Elric household more often. It seemed there were more layres and complexities to Edward than he'd ever dreamed. As soon as he heard footsteps in the hall he knocked loudly on the door. This time, Al opened it.

"I've come to see if Fullmetal is really sick." He stated using his best no nonsense tone. Al glanced back towards the bedroom worriedly.

"I don't think he's up to having any visitor's right now." He began nervously and Mustang wondered if it had more to do with his brother's fragile emotional state rather than the physical symptoms.

"That's okay…I'll talk to you instead if you don't mind." Roy nodded, then crossed his arms as Al didn't move an inch. "May I?" He asked, gesturing with his hand and pointing out that Al was still blocking the doorway. With an embarrassed laugh the younger brother moved away and into the kitchen. He pulled a glass and a glass pitcher of water out then placed the kettle on to boil.

"I'm just going to bring Ed some water. Help yourself to something hot to drink." He then raced out of the room with the water. When he returned he seemed less ansy.

"He fell asleep…Finally." He said with a sigh of relief and sat across from the Colonel, who was nursing a cup of strong black tea. "What do you want to know?"

"How Ed's been of course." Roy answered easily. "He's been very nervous and volatile at work since the attack and nothing I do or say seems to help. I'm hoping he's more relaxed at home."

"Yeah..He's been relaxing…" Al said haltingly, unsure of how much he could tell the Colonel without breaking the promise he'd made with Ed.

"You seem to know what's got him so up in arms. Perhaps if you tell me I can help him." He said gently, trying to coax Al into giving him the final pieces of the puzzle.

"I…Can't." Al said uncomfortably. "I made a promise and I care too much to hurt him even more by betraying the trust he put in me. I don't want to hurt him more than he already is…." Avoiding the other's gaze he reached out to take the empty cup to the sink, but the Colonel stopped him.

"Alphonse, you're not the only one who cares about Fullmetal. I care more than he knows. I promise I won't do anything to hurt him. Trust me." He hoped he'd been persuasive enough to convince Al to tell him more.

"I can't say..Not after I made a promise. I believe you do care about him but I can't risk it. He's pretty bad off emotionally. I will tell you that there's more to this than you know. He's not just being a spazz…Things are more severe than you could ever guess. It was more than a simple attack…There are real feelings involved..Ones that brother is still trying to sort out. Maybe if you told him how you…..Sorry I can't say…but you should talk to him."

Roy began putting two and two together. The shyness, anger, avoidance…It was all beginning to make sense. Ed spend a lot of time blushing when they were together, he was nervous and shy….Sometimes it was like he was sub-consciously trying to get close then would put even more space between them when he figured it out. Two separate occasions he'd said something that seemed out of character, something deeper and more meaningful than the usual banter….And then earlier he'd been talking about butterflies. A possible answer had been staring him in the face all this time!! "Alphonse..Ed…Does he care about me as more than a mere acquaintance?"

Alphonse squeaked in surprise and grabbed the cup from him, gesturing towards the door. "I've said too much…Please leave before he wakes up. Don't ask me any more questions!" Roy suddenly found himself pushed to the door by a frazzled Alphonse. When the door closed Roy smirked victoriously to himself.

"Well that's interesting…." He said softly to himself.


	6. Chapter 4: Longings

**Author's note: **_As promised…And hey on time!!!! I said latest Wednesday and here it is Wednesday and I am typing it out!! I had to rewrite the ending to this chapter…Errr…Because I thought firstly for a rated M fic it had been pretty tame and I was certain you all were wondering when the smut was coming in (I really hope not n.n; I suck at writing lemon's…And I get SO darn embarrassed over em..Really…I'm blushing) but errr if you like it…I guess no harm done…If you don't…No tomato's please . Okay….I am writing this part at the end….As usual I know I don't like the smut…Oh well . Please enjoy anyways._

**Chapter 4: Longings**

"Do you understand??"

"Basically you want me to watch the boy and watch for anything that seems odd..Make sure nothing weird is going on?"

"Exactly..Normally this is something I'd rather do myself but given the circumstances…." The man leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling.

"I understand…Anything weird and I'll tell you straight away."

* * *

** "**I hate mornings…" The blonde groaned as he tried to roll from the bed. It had been yet another restless night and Ed was really starting to feel its effects. He tried to stretch, but found that during the night he'd tossed and turned so much that he was now a prisoner of his blankets, and his hands were trapped at his sides. Annoyed he tried for a few minutes to extract himself and finally flung the offending object into the corner with a triumphant yell. It bothered the youth that this was becoming a daily routine. His sleep was suffering and he rarely felt like he got any rest at all and to boot he usually woke up with his blankets attempting to strangle him. It never boded well…Usually the day just got worse from there until he wanted nothing more than to scream.

He planted his feet on the ground and shivered as the cold from the floor seeped in through the flesh of his one foot. As he pulled on his outfit for the day he tried to find that all too familiar loathing within himself and was happy to find that again it seemed further back, less acute. This made up for all that had been disappointing already this morning and he felt himself cheered by the fact that once again, time proved to be the best healer. He even hummed a bit to himself as he dressed. Grabbing the breakfast that Al had prepared for him, Edward greeted his brother.

"You seem happy today…" his brother responded. "Did something good happen?"

Ed laughed softly. "No silly…I just got up…how could anything have happened yet?" he stated cheerfully as he dove into his food with a gusto that had been missing for quite some time and Al couldn't help but chuckle. His brother was so transparent sometimes.

"Are you going to talk to the Colonel today??" Al asked soothingly. Ed shook his head, which was nothing less than his brother expected. "Why not?!" Al exclaimed, "Nii-san, he can help you…"

Ed's face fell and his lips pursed. "Because I don't want to..That's why!" He said stubbornly, tipping his orange juice back and downing it. "And I don't have to do what bothers me…Nor do I have to listen to your reasoning why I should. Amestris still recognizes free will little brother." He frowned then launched the empty cup in the air towards the sink. The cup bounced once, twice then fell neatly into the basin and Ed smirked at his small accomplishment.

Al rolled his eyes as best he could with his condition. Lately Ed's reasoning for not seeing the other man was getting more and more childish and now had no basis for logic at all. He was beginning to wonder if Ed was simply saying no now because he felt he could get away with it, not because there was any reasoning behind it. Usually Al was not one to pry but it was ridiculous. Even without looking hard Al could see what the stress was doing to his brother, he hardly slept, he was edgy and restless and prone to blowing up at the drop of the hat. He'd lost weight too and his fingernails, usually kept immaculate..were worn down to stubs and were jagged from biting. Ed might convince himself he was fine…But to Al…he wasn't fooling anyone. "I thought logic and reasoning were the key points of being an alchemist…." He muttered sullenly to himself.

Ed's ears seemed to perk up. "What was that Al…?" he growled. Alphonse sometimes forgot just how good Ed's hearing really was. When it came to picking up insults, Ed's ears were as sharp as an eagle's eyes. It seemed he could hear even the slightest jab and that remarkable ability picked up one hundred fold if that insult were to be about his lack of height. Al yelped and inflated a bit under his brother's piercing stare and scrambled to think of anything to cover up his blunder.

"I---I said…Ummmm….Errr…That day you were sick the Colonel dropped by." Al flinched again…Oh why of anything he could have talked about, did it have to be that. Granted, it had been almost all Al had been thinking about that last couple days, how to breech this explosive, dangerous topic. He just hoped he could diffuse the impending explosion. To his surprise Ed didn't blow up at him and there was no yell that shook the rafters of the building. Instead Edward paled and became silent and Al worried that he might be sick again.

"He….he was here?!" Ed stammered out after a minute. "Here…When I was sick…And you didn't _tell _me!!? Shit, shit, shit….how much did he hear, oh god he knows, Al, _he KNOWS!!! _ That's why he's been trying so hard to get my attention lately…It's been every day…..Fullmetal come to my office, Fullmetal we need to talk…nonononono!!!" he began pacing, worried over all that was happening before rounding on his brother. "What did you tell him!!?"

"N-nothing!!!" Al yelped out and fidgeted in his seat. Edward continued to glare at him until eventually Al gave another strangled yelp. "I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD TALK TO YOU!!!!" Al blurted out. "I…I may have let slip that it was…More than he thought…I mean…Just that he might be wrong about why you're upset…" He said in a quiet voice, ready to bold should it become necessary.

"Al, how could you??! More to it…..Talk to me?…Wrong about why I'm upset? Geeze Al why didn't you just _give _it to him on a silver platter?! He's a smart bastard…he'd be able to figure it out from that, damnit!!" He paused and closed his eyes and let out the breath he'd been holding, his shoulders falling a little, looking less tense. 'I'm not gonna let this ruin my good mood..I've been being unfair to him after all…' he thought to himself as he focused on his breathing, regulating it and calming himself down. Al flinched away from him as he opened his eyes, fearing the worst. "It's okay Al.." Ed said guardedly. "I'm not mad." His hands unclenched with his verbal statement. "I know how much you hate lying..If he was questioning you, you didn't stand a chance." Al looked relieved by this and Ed smiled mischievously. "Buuuuuut," He stated in an amused tone, "You did break a promise and for that you shouldn't get off scot free. Starting today you'll do my laundry for a week!" Satisfied Ed grabbed his things and sauntered out the door, leaving a very confused Alphonse behind. "I do the laundry anyways…" he grumbled to himself.

* * *

"Day one…Lunch time. Subject has chosen a small mom and pop's type restaurant located well in Central's Center. Subject is alone, and appears to be enjoying his food relatively. Only strange thing is once in awhile he'll stop and look around like he's expecting someone to jump out at him. Nothing further to report..Jacqueline out"

Havoc closed the small black bound book and sighed, peering at Ed out of the corner of his eye. He had been taken aback and a little amused at his newest assignment, it reminded him of when he and a few other's had been asked to watch over the Colonel a year back. Though this was anything but ordinary. Havoc thought back to the conversation he and Colonel Mustang had had that morning…

_ "Basically you want me to sneak around and spy on t_he_ kid for you?" _ _Taking a long drag on the ever present cigarette hanging coolly from his mouth. "hate to ask, but is there really any reason for it? Like he's suspected of something….Or is this just another way to pass time and for you to shirk your paperwork?"_

_ The Colonel had risen from his seat and stood looking out the window and Havoc knew something had to be bothering the other for him to be so restless. Ever since the meeting had begun, Roy hadn't seemed to be able to keep still. "We know he's a prime target for the Homunculi, and with Ed's ability to get himself into trouble I thought we should watch him closely in light of the new sightings we've gotten. Normally this is something I'd do myself….But Ed won't let me come anywhere near him." It was true..Ever since Ed had returned from his bout of the flu Havoc had noticed that the boy wouldn't come anywhere near the Colonel. Havoc just assumed Mustang had once again managed to fire up the teen's temper and had let it slide. But if Mustang was this worried, maybe there was a reason to be extra careful. _

"_Watch him close, keep a log on him, and let me know right away if the situation changes…."_

Havoc chewed thoughtfully on his toothpick, wishing the restaurant allowed smoking. He must have sighed a little too loudly because Ed glanced back right at him and Havoc hardly had enough time to sink low enough in his chair so he wouldn't be caught. Mustang had stressed that stealth was the key in this mission and Havoc had seen enough of Ed's temper to know that he was not pleasant to deal with when coddled. He flipped open the pages of the coiled book again and scratched his pen quickly to the paper.

"My position has become compromised, subject almost certainly suspects monitoring. Pulling out to get to a safe distance. Time is now 1:40 pm"

* * *

Ed's good mood had all but vanished. He kept telling himself he was only being paranoid but he felt like he was being watched, stalked and it was beginning to grate on his nerves. Looking back he thought he saw a flash of blonde vanish behind the bench and sighed. 'It's probably just some kid being an asshole and making faces at me cause he's bored…' he chastised himself, turning back to his food. As long as his fears were unfounded there were no problems.

There were two things at that particular moment that Ed was dreading. The most pressing worry was that he had been summoned to yet another meeting with the Colonel and he was skipping out. Though he felt like a kid cutting a boring class, Ed couldn't help but suspiciously watch around himself for any sight of someone coming to collect him and drag him kicking a screaming (metaphorically of course) back to Central command and what promised to be an uncomfortable set of questions from the man. That was the main reason he'd chosen this particular restaurant. It wasn't too far that it inconvenienced the blonde yet it was mostly unknown and quiet, military officials rarely dined there both because of its small size and the distance it was back to headquarters. Of course it had just as much to do with the good, homey food and the fact that the elderly couple who ran the joint had a soft spot for the teen but he'd never admit that. If asked, he would say it was chosen as the perfect hideout, easily accessible and open enough for escape. The perfect dining hall for stealth. The last thing he wanted was the Colonel to come looking for him and find him goofing off.

His second fear was more sinister and dangerous. He'd been wondering for some time now how long it would be before the Homunculi would come to finish him off and again why Envy had let him go in the first place, which reminded him of the rant Envy had spouted off after his probably first ever failed murder plan, which reminded him again of the time they'd spent together which…brought back emotions that sickened the teen. It was an endless cycle and no matter what Ed tried to do, his mind always brought him back to the same place, with the same unanswered questions. They would come and try again, Ed knew that. 'Maybe they'll just send Gluttony to eat me..At least it'd be quick.." Ed laughed at his own morbid joke and fell back again into thought. Envy had said he'd been ordered to kill him, yet he couldn't because somehow someway Ed had made that impossible. Envy had screamed at him that he couldn't do it, and the anguish in his eyes had been real….But then how much was real? He sighed morosely, hating how complicated his life had become. Envy had been bitter, and had gotten mad at Ed about how far he'd made him fall, about how much he made him feel…But wasn't the reverse also true. Ed hadn't been playing around..Everything he had said and did in that short period had been genuine and had come from the heart. A heart that had been severely shattered with the realization on how easy it was to be deceived when you are in love. It was so hard to move on and not love the scam..And even then he found himself once in awhile wishing the illusion had never broken. This had him confused…Who did he love?

Was it the real Roy, or the fake? If Roy outright rejected him, would he try to go running back to the imposter if he could…The liar who had made him feel so whole at the time. Did he love Roy because of the imposter or was the imposter the result of his love for Roy? Everything was getting jumbled up in his brain and creating a sort of vortex that sucked you down, down, down until you were struggling to get to the surface to breathe..And the truth of the matter was way at the bottom where you could never hope to surface again. Maybe he didn't want to know the answer because the answer was wrong and disgusting. Ed wanted to believe that it was the real Roy he was in love with, but thinking hard, everything he now associated with the man was lies. When he remembered the kisses and and touches that were so welcomed and warm he felt like he couldn't breathe because he knew deep down he wanted those again. If that were the real Envy and not lies then could he…Would he…Abandon Roy? "No way in hell!!" Ed said aloud, a little more loudly than he meant to. Suddenly several pairs of eyes were staring at him..Some shocked, some hostile, most just plain confused. Ed fumbled with the money in his pocket and paid for his meal and quickly retreated before his blush could cause him more grief than his outburst.

* * *

Once safely home Ed closed the front door and gave a long sigh. The flush was still apparent on his cheeks. Al deposited the freshly dried laundry on the table and gave his brother a look that spoke of his long suffering with an air-headed older brother. "What did you do this time…" he asked dryly trying not to laugh.

"I…blurted out something very loudly in a restaurant…." Ed said bashfully, staring down at the floor as his blush darkened, speckling his cheeks a very dark, becoming pink.

"Didn't I tell you not to get so caught up in your thought that you forget where you are?" Al teased as Ed made a beeline for his own room, closing the door behind him. Ed's mind was still racing from what he'd been thinking about in the restaurant and memories were now knowing away at him, filling his body with electricity and longing and he could still feel the phantom caresses, though long gone, on his skin sending his mind reeling. He closed his eyes and Roy's voice came floating back from some part of his memory, making it hard for him to breath.

_"I want you..That's what's gotten into me…"_

Ed drew in a shuddering breath, the memory of it affecting him almost as much as when it had happened. His heart skipped a beat then quickened as even more memories came rushing back. Fingers, rough yet amazingly soft exploring, touching, teasing him and sending him almost into a frenzy. It had been like nothing he'd experienced. The attentive way Roy..No Envy…had coaxed each response from him expertly, knowing exactly which places to touch or how exactly to whisper his name to get the optimum result. That couldn't have been faked right? Surely it hadn't been as sweet and slow as he'd imagined, but there was an underlying tenderness in everything that he couldn't…wouldn't…associate with the homunculus. Remembering those fleeting times though had gotten him worked up and he could feel the warmth spreading downwards and becoming too much to bare. He wanted to be touched..And he wanted it now.

Slowly, hesitantly, he unzipped his pants and released himself. He was already stiff with arousal despite his mixed feelings. Wrapping his hands around himself he began to lightly stroke, trying to copy the others touches, to make himself feel as good as the other had made him feel, keeping himself as quiet as he could so no one could hear. The warmth…feeling so good..spread to every part of him as he continued to touch himself, building in intensity and pleasure. He tried to imagine it wasn't his own hands, but Roy's…his Roy…..Touching him, claiming him, branding him forever into his heart and soul. A low moan tore itself from his throat and quietly he called out Mustang's name, shivering delightfully as it fell dripping from his tongue. As the feelings built to an almost unbearable point he continued repeating the other's name over and over again as though it would make it real and it would be his Colonel there when he opened up his eyes. With a few more frenzied strokes he tensed, climaxing into his hand. It was only afterwards laying on his crumpled sheets and panting for breath that the loathing that had been absent all day hit home hard.

He couldn't figure out which Roy he'd been calling so desperately for. The one he'd loved for years unrequited or the one who had appeared to love him back.. however briefly. "I'm sick…" he whispered to himself when he thought he'd come to the answer. "I'm fucking sick…No..No!" he flung his pillow to rid himself of the aggression and pain coursing through him. "I'm so confused…." Sighing, he rested his head on his knees. "I don't know what I can do anymore….."

Suddenly the door swung open and Al stood there nervously. Nervous because he had heard everything and knew exactly what Ed had been doing and he didn't know how to approach the situation. He'd followed his brother to his room, trying to figure out why he was so insistent on being alone and had almost cracked open the door then when he'd heard the barely stifled noises coming from his brother. Embarrassed he'd retreated but still couldn't block out everything…Especially not the anguished and heartfelt loathing his brother had expressed just now. And even though he'd been embarrassed, the worse sin would be to leave his brother alone in such an awful state of mind. "Nii-san…" Al began softly, pointedly staring at the wall behind Ed instead of directly at him to miss his state of undress and the flush his activities had brought to his cheeks. Ed quickly took the hint and gathered the blankets around himself, pulling up his pants. Still Al couldn't bring himself at that moment to quite look his brother in the eye. "You really need to talk to someone. I can't help you with this. I really think…"

Ed had recovered enough to shush his brother. "No Al, for the millionth time I don't want his help!! Things are fine as they are..Didn't you say I seemed happier this morning…"

Al thought for a moment. "Yes…Then….But now??! Ed I heard you….No..Not only that…Errr…What you do is your business, but about being sick and all that. Do you really think that?? You toss and turn every night, sometimes you talk in your sleep and your emotions are all jumbled up. I wouldn't be surprised if you were very confused, and lonely, and I don't know what to do to help..And.." he paused. "Ed, Colonel Mustang called today and asked why you never showed up for that meeting. Apparently you made him look really bad. Your assessment is coming up, can you really afford not to get help and get past this? Ed we can't afford to make mistakes like this."

Ed remained silent and so Al pressed his advantage. "I know I promised I wouldn't say anything but I'm worried for your health, your job and your mental state of mind. I don't think you can overcome this alone, and I don't blame you. It's gone too far though, this game of cat and mouse you're putting the Colonel through and you're losing sight of yourself and the reason we're here in the first place! I really hate to break my word, but I have to tell him. You're not functioning, you're worrying me..Worrying Colonel Mustang and it has to stop. If I don't do something next time I could lose you for good…What would that do to me Ed?

All during his brother's speech Ed had been backing up and now had his hand on the front door. "Nii-san!" Al said exasperated and took a step towards him, but unfortunately it was also a step towards the phone. Even more unfortunate is Ed took it as a threat to call rather than an attempt to calm and it triggered his flight response. Pulling open the door he rushed out, his only thoughts on how to get away from everything. "Nii-san!!!!!!!!!!" Al's voice carried out into the night worried and agitated. Ed closed his eyes trying desperately to shut out his brother's increasingly desperate cries for him to stop and ran all the more quickly, trying to find a place where he could re-cooperate without worrying about bothering anyone.

From his hiding spot Jean saw Ed run by. Taking careful note of where the teen was heading he called the Colonel from a nearby phone, plugging in the special codes needed for an unsecured call. "Kid has flown the coop." he spoke quietly into the receiver. "heading East from the barracks. Bet he's heading to that park." There was a slight pause as Jean listened to the other's response. "Understood…" The blonde hung up the phone in time to see Al bolt out the door and quickly he intercepted him. "Let's let the Colonel deal with this one.." he said calmly and smiling gently he led the younger brother back inside. He just hoped the Colonel got to Ed quickly..The sightings of that shape-shifting homunculi were becoming more frequent and closer with every hour.


	7. Chapter 5: Confrontation

**Chapter 5: Confrontation**

**(AN: T**his was a hard chapter to write…I tried to make Envy about as ugly as I dare (personality wise) I know earlier on I tried to garner some pity for him xD and there's still that…But Envy is supposed to be jealous…And jealousy can make people incredibly ugly….I hated writing it though..I dunno if I captured it well enough but o well xD)

"It's finally quiet…" Edward said breathlessly, tired out from running. Though it had been an automatic response, he now knew that what he had done was overreacted. Though he probably couldn't be faulted for freaking out a bit after what his brother had walked in on, it was still a bit daunting to face a brother who always seemed to understand the situation a little better than yourself. Ed also remembered that back then at that time…It had been Al who had seen him with the fake too... heard them arguing through a bathroom door. 'Does this embarrassment know no bounds…..? ?' Ed thought sullenly to himself. He stopped and gazed around his surroundings. Just as Al always ran to the river when he was upset, Ed's place of choice was the park. Especially at night...It was quiet and had a way of bringing him back in time to a place where he felt safe and secure. As always he headed to the swings, which were his favourite.

As a child he would dart there as fast as he could to lay claim on one before the other kids did and forgetting them he would pump his legs as fast as they could go, feeling himself lurching back and forth while the chains squeaked and groaned. Just when he felt like he was closing the gap and would go over the bar, he would jump…trying to catch one of the fluffy white clouds. Then he'd repeat the process again and again until late in the evening he'd go home and dream about the sky and the mysteries that could lie just behind those clouds. Though, when once he'd sprained his wrist from jumping his mother had told him to stop…and because she was more precious to him than the feeling he got…he hadn't done it since.

And now he was too old and cynical to do such childish things. Instead, he lazily pushed against the sand with his feet listening to the familiar sounds in the darkness. He could smell the iron in the metal and wondered why parks always seemed to have that unkept smell….Like metal rusting…Like blood. He banished the thought from his mind and turned it back to the issues at hand. He could see Al's point, it was crystal clear now that he'd distanced himself from the turmoil and chaos he'd been a part of back in the apartment. Al was worried about him, and Ed couldn't get mad at him for that. It was only that he had been surprised, and shocked by Al's sudden intrusion and the shame he'd been feeling. The sheer embarrassment of just what his younger brother had heard and what's worse…understood…still made Ed's face burn. Somehow having Al hear him do _that _was the very thing that had sent him running out the door in the first place, it had been so traumatizing that running simply was the only logical response his body could understand at that moment.

Even now he was still embarrassed. It was obvious that even without seeing, Al understood what was happening and had heard it all. If that wasn't enough…It was like his eyes could see right through him to the confusion and depression Ed had been working through. Al was so intuitive; he probably understood it all better than Ed did himself. He probably even realized who it was he had been imagining…That the act had been based off memory. It was seriously high on the list little brothers shouldn't know about, even though he and Al shared a lot, this was where he had to draw the line. This was one instance where Al shouldn't interfere. Though he had to admit if he seriously thought about it, in hindsight it was a little amusing.

He drew in a breath of the crisp, cool air and began to feel himself calm down further. Now level-headed he could begin to sort through this mess with a more critical mind. Though it were a bit disturbing to him that his mind would cough up those memories when he felt a bit worked up, it did make sense. It was normal for boys his age to get that way of course, he'd been told it many times…And it also made sense that he'd draw on the only sexual experience he'd had. When he thought about it in a non-emotional scientific way, it didn't seem as scary. He could deduce that it was simply hormones, that he didn't love Envy, and the thought was comforting to him. "This is a normal bodily response…it didn't mean anything..." Ed whispered to himself, aware it must sound like he's trying to convince himself. "I love Roy…always have. Even if he rejects me…I will." He muttered his voice eerily loud in the silence.

"Do you really?" A voice answered him and Ed looked up, shock written all over his face….he'd thought he was alone. All he could make out in the darkness was a figure standing catlike in the shadow behind a tree, long hair almost black in the gloom falling gracefully over his lean body resting almost below his waist. It was a silhouette Ed didn't want to see. "You'd think that if your love was as strong as you say, you wouldn't have fallen for my tricks so easily. I think your love is nothing but false and shallow." He said, his voice silky and quiet…Reassuring yet damning at the same time. It was a voice of one who knew he was right. He stepped out of the dimness and towards Ed, who sat still, almost hypnotized by his voice and his own doubts. Impossibly fast, or so it seemed to Ed's slowed senses, Envy crossed the distance and now stood blocking Ed's path. "If that's as deep as your love is…Anyone would do right?"

Ed knew he was in trouble, but it was hard to guess what he could do. He couldn't even muster up a glare to throw at the sin. "That's not true….." he finally said, cursing that his voice sounded so unsure. He went to escape the swing, trying to even out whatever odds he thought were unbalanced but Envy lazily pushed him back into it, his hands closing over Ed's wrists, keeping them locked to the chain.

"Of course it's true…Isn't that why you ran?" he replied softly, leaning in and Ed jerked back in surprise. "It almost looks like you _missed _me, if I were to say anything. You think I'd leave you completely alone? We're still watching your every move, chibi-chan." He chuckled. "It was quite the show you put on back there…" Ed turned red to his ears, and felt even more disgusted than before. Just why was it that the one thing he wanted to be private was aired out on display like laundry flapping in the breeze?

"Look just what is it you want…?" Ed finally mustered the voice to sound annoyed, which the green-haired man simply took in stride, his smirk never fading from his lips.

"Lots of things…..But I've been thinking. Doing far too much of that lately and it irks me that my thoughts always come back to you. See, we share that….You keep thinking of me, and I of you. Basically I'm intrigued…I never thought I'd want to do that with some lowly human, especially one I can't stand like you. But, it wasn't bad ne? So it's been stewing around and I keep thinking and thinking…and there's only one solution I keep coming to…and that's that perhaps, maybe…I actually do want you. Now, that annoys me to no end, but we can't help that now can we?" His eyes looked over the youth and Ed couldn't help but wrinkle his nose a little in distaste at his expression…it was far too predatory. "I know you liked it Ed, you can't lie to me when you were begging for it. Don't you remember? It haunts me every night; I just can't stop thinking about you." Ed tried to escape the other's grip, but Envy pulled him violently forward, keeping too close for comfort. "It doesn't matter that I looked like someone else at the time, your reactions were genuine right? I made you feel that way." Envy's eyes had taken on a wild look now, and Edward was genuinely afraid of what he may do if he said anything so he just kept quiet. "You may love that bastard Colonel's body…but truthfully it was _me_ you fell in love with. Say it!" he shook Ed again.

But Ed wouldn't lie even for the sake of not getting hurt. He vehemently shook his head in denial. Envy's gaze hardened. "You just need a reminder then…I'm sure we can get along just fine." Transferring Ed's wrists to one hand he pulled him right against him, his arm acting as a barrier so Ed couldn't escape.

'he's gonna try to kiss me…' Ed thought to himself, turning his head away. "Stop it...It's unsightly." Ed said quietly. But normal things like being told specifically to stop didn't seem to work with someone who was obviously non human. Though in Envy's attempt to get Ed to comply with his wishes he dropped hold on his wrists, giving Ed an opening he wasn't going to waste. Violently he pushed the man away from him, falling backwards with the force he'd used, but just as he was about to open his mouth to tell Envy off again, perhaps even defend himself physically there was a flash of red fire between them.

"Get away from him!" Mustang roared in anger and Ed looked over, his heart leaping in surprise and relief. He hadn't expected the Colonel to come to his rescue. It was more than he ever hoped for. Envy waited for the flames to die down before pulling Ed up roughly from the ground, eyes boring into his very soul it seemed. "Should I tell him Chibi-chan? All about your dirty little secret? About what I know that he doesn't." he laughed somewhat maniacally at Ed's panic and Mustang's confusion.

"What is he talking about Ed?" Roy said slowly, worried but cautious. He went to take a step forward but Envy's grip on the younger alchemist stopped him short.

"It's very simple..." Envy answered for Ed. "Do you even know what he's been imagining for God knows how long? I think it's pathetic!" He glared at Roy. "It's so obvious that even I saw it….Yet this moron can't get it! You think he gives a shit about you with that half-assed attitude? How could he ever be better than someone who understands you so well they can use that information against you? Besides…" Envy lowered his voice so only Ed could hear him. "Isn't he known as a ladies' man around Central...Do you really want a slut like him around you?"

As Envy spoke Ed had been growing more and more angry, but that last insult against Roy was too much for him. Pulling Envy's arms from his collar he glared a moment angrily then his arm shot out, catching the homunculus square in the jaw with a resounding crack. Time seemed to stop a moment as Envy looked angry, shocked than sad. He carefully rubbed his jaw, his expression bordering on heartbroken. "Am I so repulsive I don't stand a chance…." He whispered almost inaudibly.

"All I've ever asked is to make my own decisions…You can't just force your way into all this. You can't force me to fall for you. What happened was only a mistake…I'll choose who I love and go about things my own way…..And you'll never change that. I won't live anymore like I'm afraid of everything...I don't want regrets." Ed said savagely, never breaking eye contact. There was another flash and the homunculus was engulfed in those same red hot flames as before. It seemed like Mustang had gotten sick Envy's threatening stance and had attacked. Envy shrieked in pain as Ed flinched away from the heat.

Charred black, steaming and breathing hard Envy retreated back to the trees putting distance between himself and those deadly flames Envy called a parting shot at Ed. "Don't say I didn't warn you….Next time you see me you may not get out of it so easily. Farewell, my precious human sacrifice..." Ed thought he heard the sin's voice break on that last sentence but he was too far away to tell and since Envy was running away, it wasn't as pressing as his current situation.

He'd take his encounter with Envy a thousand times over before he would've liked to deal with what was in front of him. It was even worse, with Envy having had verbal diarrea in front of the man he was desperately trying to co-exist with while not giving away how he felt. Though he still didn't want to own up to what had transpired and what he still felt it seemed time was not on his side. Roy was staring at him, with an expression that told him to spill it and spill it fast…And this time there was nowhere left to run. 'At least now I know what I actually feel…and where I stand...' Ed thought ruefully to himself and glanced up impassively.

Roy waited quietly for Ed to make the first move. He watched as he looked over, and met his gaze. Still Ed did not break the silence and Roy did not move away out of his path. It was obvious something was gonna have to give, and Roy bet this time it would be Ed, not him. Carefully apathetic eyes took stock of the situation, eyes searched his for clues but he couldn't find anything. Finally Ed sighed and spoke. "How much of that did you hear…" he asked slowly.

"Everything." Roy said strongly, never looking away.


	8. Chapter 6: Confessions

**Chapter 6: Confessions**

**(**So…Reading the name of the chapter you probably think this is the chapter you have all been waiting for xD I won't spoil the surprise…But I do have another for you. I'm not the best artist in the world…But I drew a picture for this chapter…I would suggest looking at it AFTER reading the chapter so it doesn't spoil anything. And I hope you enjoy this one...I really wanted to get it up before I left on my busy busy holiday (no rest for the weary...It's full of photoshoots, planning, family visits and work visits…ahh it never ends…but I'm happy. I really missed my family these past few months)…Oh and despite my original chapter being in third person…somehow it's switched at least at first to first person xD I've been watching Nana….Maybe that's why. It's kinda funny to hear Romi Paku actually play a girl for once...and I must say Nana is KICK ASS! Edit: T_T I stayed up till three am writing this and STILL haven't packed…I get on a bus tomorrow night…Sad kupo xD I need to find my absent cellphone.)

Link: .com/gallery/#/d2immmq )

_"Everything." Roy had replied, staring intently at me. It had sent a rush of adrenalin coursing through my veins, even though there was nowhere for me to run. Everything…that word implied that everything that had been said had been received and understood….and why was he staring at me that way? Why wouldn't he look away…or look ashamed for me. It wasn't a confession you heard every day. Yet, he'd said those four syllables so easily, but still they hung in the air like a threat. My mind fumbled to catch up with the rush of emotions that flowed through my being at that simple word. It was something I had never fathomed….To understand everything when I hadn't wanted to tell him…It really scared me at that time. Though, a part of me wished so hard that he could hear everything….and not hate me…._

'Seriously…?' Ed's mind screamed at him….his heart racing so fast as he looked up at the other, only to look quickly back down again. It was too much, with him looking so sombre. He couldn't read his thoughts either, which intensified his feeling of discomfort. 'Does he hate me, is he sickened…oh no what if he says we can't ever see each other again!' Ed thought in a panic. He snuck another look at Roy, trying to figure out how he should react. He could try to laugh it off, pretend it was some odd joke…But no, one look at Mustang and he could tell he was serious. Too serious. He could definitely come clean now…But it was bad enough now, his pride wouldn't let him act like some lovesick schoolgirl sprouting off confessions of puppy love. He couldn't get mad either…It was like that emotion had been completely drained from him when Envy had left. All his options were dwindled down to one and so Ed said the only thing he could think of…The only thing that could possibly make up for all the trouble he'd caused.

"I'm….sorry…' he said softly. "Guess there's nothing more for us to say. Now you know..." Then he was walking away, trying to play it cool even though he felt that he would break apart any moment. He wasn't going to stick around for the verbal beating that was sure to follow those serious eyes.

"Don't run away Ed!" Roy called to him, an edge to his voice that caused the teen to pause. He couldn't ignore him when he used that tone…When he sounded so wronged. Looking back he noticed that Roy didn't look angry, disgusted or any of the things he'd expected from him. He looked contemplative, if anything. "What about my side? Shouldn't I be able to say something? A confession of my own?"

Ed's stomach plummeted and he frowned. He wanted to say no, that it wouldn't be okay. No, when he was falling apart already...there was no way he wanted to be turned down formally. But, he was never the type to turn when a challenge had been issued, and he prided himself on being as unspoiled and good as he possibly could be. He kept telling himself this was why he turned…that it wasn't some weird form of masochism that made him yearn to hear his voice, even if he was certain that the man was just turning him down. Mentally he prepared himself. 'He'll let me down easy…I'm young after all. I'm sure that Roy wouldn't want to damage what he would consider to be my fragile self respect. He'll talk about how it's wrong for this to happen.' His thoughts took on the speech pattern of his commanding officer. "I'm sorry Hagane, but it will never work. I'm old enough to be your dad...besides we're both guys and I'm sorry I don't swing that way and blah blah blah.' The more he thought about it, the sicker he felt and he wished Roy would get it over with while he still had some semblance of control. Ed knew that getting upset would just make everything harder…and what's worse would make Mustang feel bad for something that was never his fault. 'Just don't cry…It will be over soon so just pretend it doesn't mean anything….'

"I've loved you ever since I first met you in Central….'

Ed blinked, surely he had heard wrong. It was so much like a dream...So much like what he thought himself. It had been then that he'd first gotten a good look at the other. He had spent so many years telling himself Roy was a rival and that's why he made sure to know everything about him, hid his confusing feelings behind boisterous acts and petty fighting. But, was it him who had said that…he was sure he hadn't. He looked up at Roy and couldn't mask the few small tears in his eyes from having squeezed them closed so tight in dread. He'd never admit he'd actually been crying out of sadness…no way…it was just natural that one's eyes would tear when tightly closed. Still, he doubted what he heard, and couldn't mask the small tremor in his voice when he spoke. "What did you say?"

"I said I love you. I've always been watching you." Roy said with a smile and Ed could've melted. Still he must have looked shocked because Mustang laughed. It felt so much like déjà vue and Ed wondered if he was dreaming. If Envy hadn't just run off he'd be sure it was a trick.

"W-wait!" Ed stuttered out, still looking like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. "This…This isn't right! You were supposed to be a responsible adult and tell me all the reasons why it wouldn't work." He was blushing now and so caught up in his speech he didn't notice. "You're supposed to let me down easy...Not that I want that..." he muttered to himself. "Oh I get it! You're just playing a joke on me….ha ha…very funny Colonel Bastard! April Fool's is long gone!" he attempted to laugh, but it rang out false. He really did think that the Colonel was playing tricks on him and it really stung. 'Just don't get upset…' his mind cautioned him.

"Edward I'm serious!" Roy shouted looking dejected. "I understand if things are too complicated, but spare my pride…." He said softly and Ed looked even more surprised. "It's true…at first I tried to justify any reason that would make me give you up…I even told myself it was unhealthy to be this obsessed over someone so young. I tried to tell myself I was just curious, that I was in awe over what you and your brother lived through even though I was right pissed that you'd done it. Later, when you passed the exam and came under my command…I said I looked to you boy's as the brother's I never had…and it explained why I was so protective of you. But it was always more than that...And I never once saw you as a child. Hell, most of the time you seemed more mature than I ever was. I started to notice little things…little things that would drive me mad. How you seem to bring a room to life no matter where you are... how you just command the spotlight without ever knowing it. Even when you're mad you're adorable and I came to anticipate the way your eyes would blaze just before you gave one of your famous short rants. I would antagonize you just to watch you come to life. I may be awful for it…But somehow I've always loved you….and I'm tired of hiding it. I worry about you all the time and I count every second until I can see you again. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with myself over this but I'm done beating myself up over it. Wasn't it because of my hesitation that you got hurt? What did Envy call me? Oblivious and an idiot…? I'm both those things and because of it you suffered so much. Maybe I shouldn't say these things because of who I am, and who I am supposed to be…and if it causes you more pain you can walk away and I won't take it personally. But if anyone should be sorry it's me…For confusing you…and getting you into all these messes because I'm an old fool in love."

Though Ed had longed for what seemed like forever to hear these very words he was still pessimistic. Time had made a fool of him not too long ago…and it had wounded him badly. He thought up until recently that he would never come out of it, and it was this hurt that made him test the one most precious to him once more. "Your words are pretty, but you can't prove it can you?" he said brutally and Roy stood mute, shocked by his tone. Ed sighed sadly, trying to keep the calm cool façade he had put on. "Well...I knew it. You really shouldn't play with people that way _Taisa_…" he started amiably but couldn't say anything more because he was pulled into a tight embrace. The touch was soft, sweet and protective like what he'd envisioned all along. It was all he'd sought to feel again and Ed felt he'd come home.

"What do you want from me Ed? What kind of guarantee can I give you...I'm no good at this…" Roy lamented softly. "I could whisper all sorts of sweet nothings, but what do they mean? You and I both know anyone can say that…and you're so precious to me I don't want to do anything so typical." His voice was husky with barely contained emotion and Ed felt a little ashamed for doubting him. Roy was holding him as though he were precious…like he was fragile and made of glass or would disappear in a moment and held none of the previous gruffness he'd had in his encounter with "Roy" and Ed knew it was real. That if he could stay there he'd never be betrayed again.

"Oh…." Was all he could say. He remembered this feeling. It was the same as that night so long ago in Xing…So long ago now it felt like another lifetime. If it were the same…it was real wasn't it? The thing that he'd been so confused over for so long suddenly was crystal clear. Roy was always protecting him, always watching over him even without it being noticed. Without needing any recognition, because Ed was precious to him. The answer was so blatant Ed felt like a fool for having missed it. "Oh..." he repeated, his mind for all its brilliance losing all rational thought as he slowly wrapped his arms around Roy, wishing so hard he'd noticed earlier…But glad to finally have this chance.

"You know you don't have to be strong around me..." Roy said quietly against his ear. "It's okay to lean on others...On me. I want to protect you, and see you smile. Don't bottle it all up inside. You can lean on me...I'll be your strength so depend on me…Ed…Can you trust me?" he sounded so unsure and Ed could do nothing but nod, tightening his grip...never wanting to let him go. Once he'd gathered his wits about him he looked up, smiled and pulled Roy down to him. Their mouths met and they shared their first true kiss. Reluctantly the kiss ended, yet their gaze still seemed to pull them together like magnets. But Roy just smiled and sat, patting a space next to him. Shyly Ed followed, still drawn to the man with an inexhaustible pull. "Now…Tell me the whole story...Properly this time..." Roy coaxed him, his tone sweet.

"So…you're saying there's another rat running loose around Central?" Envy responded into the telephone boredly, wrapping the line around a long finger. "Damnit, Lust...Waddaya mean he got past you! You're so worthless. I don't know why we keep you around." He growled as the one on the other end presumably said something irritating. "That was different and you know it!" he said dangerously but the mood passed as swiftly as it had come. "Besides, he'll come in handy won't he now...Our little chibi." He listened to the reply and frowned. "Fine, I'll take care of your mess…but you owe me." He slammed the phone back into its receiver, somewhat satisfied that he's cracked the plastic. "Che...bitch…she'll get what's coming to her..." he said to himself as he donned a new form...that of a woman and hurried to intercept the nuisance that was scurrying half dead around Central.

"You should have told me sooner…" Roy said worriedly as Ed finished his story, wrapping an arm around the blonde's waist and pulling him into his lap. Ed sighed in relief; still half believing Roy would have been appalled by what had happened. Roy for his part just felt he had to touch him, to keep himself rooted to the present so he could keep his self control and not go looking for the bastard who'd done something so despicable to someone he held dear. Ed just saw his affection as an affirmation that he was still loved after telling him something so raw and disgusting about himself.

"How could I?" Ed questioned and looked up at Mustang with a gentleness he'd never seen before. "I was convinced it would cause you trouble. I had to first get over myself before I could come to terms with what happened. A month ago I would have still been in shock…A couple of weeks ago and I would have despised you prying and would have been convinced you were somehow trying to get back at me. It has taken me a long time...and it was brutal…But this awareness had to come to me in something like a voluntary social solitary confinement. As hard as it was to be alone…I would have just hurt you if it had happened any other way." He smiled and rested his head against Mustang's chest, content just to be gazing at him without having to make an excuse. "What confused me the most was trying to figure out what bothered me more: Weather it was the fact that I'd slept with that guy and had enjoyed it…Or that I'd confessed so truthfully to the wrong bloody guy. It was tearing me apart!" It didn't hurt so much now to admit what had transpired between himself and an enemy, that he'd experienced something he'd always been cautioned was supposed to be meaningful and done with someone you loved and who loved you with a total stranger….and someone he was supposed to be fighting with to boot. He also wasn't as ashamed to admit that it hadn't been a wholly bad experience, that at the time he'd enjoyed himself whole heartedly…though he never wanted to repeat that mistake again. The past was now simply the past…Now that he'd come clean to Roy. He wondered if he'd have been able to accept it so easily if Roy had done anything but loved him so freely despite his numerous faults.

After a while of sitting there silently in each other's embrace carefully Roy untangled himself from the teen apologetically. Seeing Ed's disappointed expression he smiled gently and leaned down to kiss him on the nose, looking directly into his eyes. "I skipped out of work to be here…" Roy admitted sheepishly. "If I don't get back soon, all the paperwork I was supposed to do won't be done on time. You should go home and patch things up with your brother. I hear he was pretty worried." Roy waved to Ed and began to walk away and Ed couldn't do anything to hide the goofy grin on his face as he waved back.

Ed hovered outside the door of the apartment. Pressing his ear up against the wood he listened for any indication of his brother's mood. When he couldn't hear anything he slowly opened the door and walked inside. "Damn door's too thick…" he muttered to himself, hoping Al wasn't too mad at him for taking off like a bat out of hell.

"Brother!" Al shouted and rushed him. He practically bulldozed down Ed in his relief. Ed groaned in pain as what felt like two full sized trains knocked him to the floor.

"It's a damn good thing you're hollow Al, or we'd have some problems…" he muttered pretending to check himself over for broken bones, much to his brother's embarrassment. After a moment Al seemed to remember something and fished a letter off of the table, handing it to Ed.

"This came right after you left. "He said as Ed slowly broke the red wax seal holding the document together. He recognized it immediately. It wasn't often the Fuhrer himself sent a letter to State Alchemists. In fact, Ed had ever only received one…Bearing his official military code name and certificate proclaiming he'd passed the National Alchemy exam. It didn't bode well somehow…The paper seemed too thick and it all reeked of formality. Ed began to feel nervous as he looked over the heavy black script.

"I don't like this at all…" Ed finally said and passed the letter to his brother frowning. "I would have much rathered a letter of promotion...Well…Guess it can't be helped. Al we're on the road again in the morning. Bright and early." Then he retreated to his room to prepare, as Al stared in shock at the letter he'd so carelessly delivered.

Roy was just finishing up the last of his paperwork when the phone rang. Hastily he picked it up, cradling the receiver against his ear so he could scrawl his signature on the last page…thinking only of getting home and into bed. "Sir, you have a telephone call from an outside line. The caller cleared all our security questions and asked to speak with you. If I may say so candidly sir, he sounded a bit….loony…talking about it being urgent. He says his name is Hughes…should I page him through?"

Roy sighed…this late at night? Seriously his friend had no sense of time...Shouldn't he be at home with his family already. Though it hadn't clicked yet that normally this was exactly where he'd be. "I know him...Put him through." Mustang was weary of his friends constant chatter about his beautiful family and even more with him insinuating he should hurry and settle down with a girlfriend of his own…But lately it was one of the few times he could talk with him. Annoying or not they were friends, and Roy would take any conversation, even an annoying one…over silence. "If this is about your beloved family again Hughes so help me I'll torch you through the telephone!"

Weak laughter followed by heavy breathing was the only sound that greeted him. All at once he was alert, grasping the phone as though it were a lifeline. "Maes, what's wrong?" Something nagged at him. This would be a joke in bad taste, and not at all like his friends normal antics... he wouldn't joke like this. "Talk to me!" Roy roared in his most authoritive voice, but the sound of a dial tone greeted him. Roy dropped the phone into his Lieutenants hand. "Trace the call…we need to get down there now!" he said in a half panic, though even as he issued the order he knew it was too late. Maes Hughes was a very talkative man…The only thing that could keep him from speaking adoringly about his loved ones was if the worst had happened. Roy suddenly knew his best friend was dead…It just wasn't like him to stay silent….It wouldn't do…Roy raced out of the office as though his very life was dwindling in that telephone shack along with his long-time friend.


	9. Chapter 7: Reflections

**Chapter 7: Reflection**

(_Author's note: good news…Con season is over for this year which means beyond looking for work and studying I have more time. n.n; yes, I am jobless again. I quit when I thought I was accepted into college..Instead the school turns out to be biased as heck against French Immersion programs which was a REAL bummer…but no negativity. The cons I went to were rather fun, minus the stalker jerk at the one xD yes…..I got stalked…again…..T_T Most cons it happens but rarely do they profess their love to me etc…Usually it's just an Ed fangirl who creepily enough wants a hug….Or to grope….Or to glomp xD Damn Ed has fangirls (but I must ask..Where are the FANBOYS? I'm a girl…and I want some damn fanboys!) Haha though Len gets just as many fangirls it seems as Ed..I'll let ya know after I go to a full con as him and not just a dance or a dinner. I seem to love cliff-hangers…and so I apologize…But I'm not really TOOOOO sorry for them. They keep things moving. Warning…errr….It's kinda gonna be sad at the beginning….But it may get interesting a little later on depending...I can't say, it's my own work after all xD Anyways, as always please enjoy and reviews are always welcome and appreciated..I try to answer each and every one individually...And I don't bite...If you have questions, constructive criticism, just want to chat…My inbox is open xD This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Leasa, who probably wouldn't have read this, but lost her life Sunday morning in a car accident…and unfortunately taught me the truth of the emotions I am writing about this chapter)_

'_I must be dreaming….'_

Mustang would have pinched himself if he thought it would help. But of course he knew deep inside that it wasn't a dream, the reality was staring him straight in the face. Wishing it were otherwise wouldn't ever start to undo the horror he was facing.

'_This can't be real….'_

There was so much blood. It was seeping soundlessly around the corpse. Roy couldn't call it anything but that at the moment. It was his only defence against crumbling apart. If he called his friend by name…or thought about the person he was…he was bound to give in to the dam of emotion straining just under the surface. He wanted somehow to gather all the crimson liquid and use it to patch his friend back together. Forcing this life giving nectar to do what it was made to do, and bring Hughes back to the world of the living…absurd though the though the thought was. The body was cold and had been for some time. Not even the most skilled doctor could put him back together now…not even with alchemy….the spirit was long freed from this world. He wondered where it had gone.

'_What am I going to tell them…?'_

He sunk to the ground, all but invisible to the forensics crew that were bustling around the scene. He struggled, biting back the bile that had risen in his throat. Though he'd seen corpses many times before, this time it was different, this time it was a friend. The difference was astronomical. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, and his eyes stung as though he had been standing in smoke. But he couldn't allow himself to fall apart yet, couldn't be seen as weak. Still he allowed himself a moment, closing his eyes and gulping down air, just trying to erase that hideous picture out of his head. Those who saw pretended not to, giving the man the space he needed, averting their eyes so as not to shame him. He'd been good friends with the victim, and so his grief was sacred…untouchable.

Standing as tall as he could muster, he stayed out of the way, silently watching as the men finished their work, covering Hughes' body with a white sheet and carrying him away. Now that he wasn't haunted by his friends lifeless body he could assess the situation properly…at least a little bit more impartially if that even mattered at the moment. Everyone on the scene had the same haunted look about them, the aftermath of losing one of their members so suddenly in a time that was supposed to be peaceful. There was no war and no justification for this kind of senseless slaughter. Hughes had also been well liked…..The loss was written plainly on everyone's face.

'If only I could have made it in time….'

After receiving the strange call he'd run as though all the demon's in hell had been nipping at his heels, trying to beat the odds and make it in time. Whoever the assassin had been…they'd done a thorough job. One clean bullet wound to the chest and at such a close range that there was no chance of survival. Cold blooded and quick, it was over even before he could get there with help. What could he have seen to provoke such an attack and how the attacker get that close while the lieutenant colonel had been on high alert was still a mystery.

His mind wandered, treading into his early military memories. Particularly of being called into war. It was there that he'd really gotten to know Hughes…Both of them had been cadets in the military academy at the same time. Though he didn't he didn't have to, and could've worked a desk job, for some unfathomable reason Hughes had actually requested to be sent out with Mustang, who was a State Alchemist. The war had been long, and hard on their souls. As Hughes had elegantly put it one day near the end...they had acquired the eyes of murderers for their troubles. It was true...and a constant reminder of their sins. Hughes had also been the only one to hear his ideas, how they should protect those under them and those under them protect those lower than them and so forth, everyone doing a small part to protect them all…and hadn't laughed at him. Instead he'd encouraged him, even pointing out that he should shoot to the top, wanting to see how these admittedly naive ideas would affect society as a whole...Pledging to follow him, watching his back from under him. Who would fill that empty space now where just hours ago there'd been laughter? Roy was honestly wondering if he'd ever be able to smile again.

'_I want him back….'_

He couldn't help but long for it, even while staring at the proof that he'd never see his friend again. Every time his mind began to accept it, this thought pushed its way to the surface and the sadness was so profound that he would let the information retreat backwards, choosing to for the moment deny the reality…it was so much easier to believe that soon he'd wake up and his friend would be standing beside him talking fondly of his beautiful wife and daughter, chiding him for falling asleep in the middle of such a cute story. It would probably be about his daughter's birthday again…she'd just recently turned three. Thinking of Elycia brought a different kind of pain, a red hot jolt. What do you tell a child? It was hard enough to accept being an adult and knowing that death stole you away forever. But what can you say to a small child so they can understand? Somehow it seemed unjust to say it bluntly, but equally unfair to say something so cliché as 'Daddy has gone into the sky to be with God.' He didn't even believe in God, how could he lie to a child like that…sprouting out fairytales and myths made to make everything tolerable. It didn't change the fact that her father would never be there again…he wouldn't tuck her in, or kiss a scrape better and would never see her get married or become a grandpa to her own darling children. Hughes would become nothing more than a happy yet bittersweet memory, growing hazy as his daughter grew.

"Damnit Hughes! Why'd you have to stick your neck out? You had so many precious things to protect…" he said to no-one, his voice cracking. It felt good to scold, even though he knew that only the night was listening...It made him feel like he had some control over the situation. "How am I supposed to tell your daughter that she won't be getting her bedtime kiss?" he whispered, too worn out to continue speaking as loudly as before. Turning away from the crime scene it was like all his energy had been zapped from him…but one small thought blossomed within him. A brightly burning flame vowing vengeance for himself, Hughes' family and the ghost of a man who would haunt him the rest of his life if he refused to take up arms and make the guilty pay for their crimes.

Heart-heavy he trudged back to headquarters bearing the heavy news back to everyone else who had known him. He scanned the room, sick of seeing such downcast faces, looking for the one out of all of them who could comfort him…but he wasn't there. He did a double take, just in case he'd missed him amidst the crowd. But no short, red clad figure was to be seen. Repressing his panic he called over Hawkeye, hoping she had some information he didn't.

"Where's Hagane?" he asked quietly, and in reply his lieutenant handed him an envelope.

"This came shortly after you left last night. I figured the news could wait, considering the nature of the emergency." Up close, he noticed her eyes seemed slightly red…Even she was heavily affected by the mood. She pushed the envelope to him again. "Sorry sir, I read it when I figured out you wouldn't be back right away. You may want to take a look now. "

Mustang pursed his lips and tore open the envelope. Quietly he read it aloud. "On orders of the Fuhrer, King Bradley, we request that Edward Elric the Fullmetal Alchemist be transferred as of this moment to the Fuehrer's direct command. This decision is final and non negotiable." It was sealed with the Fuhrer's own personal seal.

He stared at the words awhile, letting them sink in. "Damnit why now of all times….." Mustang muttered. "So Hagane is with the Fuhrer?" he asked, but Hawkeye shook her head.

"No, he was assigned on a mission out of town as soon as the transfer was completed. He probably caught the first train out of Central this morning. I'm sorry sir, should I wire him the news?" her eyes drooped, the emotions still too raw to want to acknowledge them. But Roy just shook his head.

"He'll need to focus on his mission…We'll wait to tell him." And he sighed heavily, hoping Ed wasn't sent on anything too dangerous.


	10. Apologies from the author

_Siiiiiiigh_

_I'm back from the dead. I know it's been basically an eternity since I last updated. I do have reasons….There was my friends death, then moving back to Winnipeg, then my granny died and amidst moving and unpacking, I lost my writing book with these stories in it and subsequently was lost in how I was supposed to update them ._

_Then I have been having MASSIVE computer problems. In the past year I have had to switch computers THREE TIMES! My good laptop is dead. I hold onto it in some hopes that it'll come back since it's so expensive…But I doubt it. Then Halloween my netbook fell off something and the charging dock broke…And it was unfixable. Then there's this piece of crap that constantly freezes…Not really productive to writing ._

_Then, I have mostly gone out of FMA into Vampire Knight and other anime's so putting myself back into this story was hard even after I found my writing book a month ago. I'm still struggling, and might have to rewatch FMA to get a sense of the characters again. I do apologize to the people who have probably given up on me. I deserve it –hangs head in shame- _

_I have also been working a ton, and then on my days off it's fragmented and dolled out between two cats, two gerbils, some stick bugs, roleplays and working on my Japanese (among other things) and I barely have time for me to think, let alone write. Anyhow…I am coming out of hiatus and will try to get as much as I can up in a short time….If there's anyone left to read this xD_

_I hope the year and whatever has been kind to all of you!_


End file.
